A Tiny Textual Teat

Pianissimo Gravitisimo

2009-10-15T10:42:00.000-04:00

If a piano was falling out of a window onto an unsuspecting member of the grammatical police or a literary watchdog and I yelled, "Look the fuck out!” He would not move.

Left To Right

2009-10-08T10:28:00.000-04:00

.violent unusually are left to right read who people seems It

Obama NOPE

2009-08-20T08:50:00.002-04:00

Sometimes you will have random, unrelated streams of thought that are only fused together into a realization by an image.

Customer Service

2009-05-14T09:16:00.000-04:00

"Waiter, the pâté is not to my satisfaction."

"What is the problem with it sir?"

"It's not smooth enough."

"I'll tend to it immediately sir, but first may I ask you a few questions? State your full name; your personal net worth; corporate board affiliations; political party membership; and whether you are long or short the shares of our parent company."

"What?!"

"I will send this information along to our Managing Director. In the meantime, I'll have Maurice come over and suck your cock. MAURICE! You'll like Maurice sir, he's one of our best cocksuckers."

The Financial System Is Rotten

2009-03-09T10:25:00.002-04:00

The financial system is rife with fraud and embezzlement. How can you have a squeaky clean government under these conditions?

You can't.

Too bad all the investigative journalists have been Raptured.

Too Big To Fail

2009-02-16T10:21:00.003-05:00

Howard weighed in at 350 pounds.

When asked by his doctor why he had embarked on this incredible eating binge he replied "I was trying to get too big to fail."

Those Led By The Nose

2009-01-07T11:01:00.001-05:00

Senator Harry Reid shows off his new nose ring.

Various Royal Pointing Gestures By Prince Charles

2009-01-06T12:19:00.007-05:00

Prince Charles pointing up.

Prince Charles pointing to his right, perhaps sensing danger.

Prince Charles pointing to his right and slightly down.

Prince Charles pointing up again.

All pointing gestures are done with the right hand. Does this matter? I strongly doubt it.

The Gaza Crisis

2009-01-05T14:22:00.003-05:00

Outgoing President George Bush discusses the Israeli invasion of Gaza with well known Jew, Jesus Christ.

Your Two O'Clock

2008-12-30T11:41:00.002-05:00

The Many Faces Of Obama

2008-12-29T08:22:00.005-05:00

Obama thinking.

Obama excited.

Obama engaged.

Obama calm.

Obama numb.

What Could It Be?

2008-12-23T13:09:00.002-05:00

During a riveting discussion with a gardening expert, Prince Charles suddenly senses danger...

Secure Astronomy

2008-12-22T09:52:00.002-05:00

Early large Newtonian hybrid telescope. Doubles as a cannon so that intruding light sources can be shelled.

Note the balls.

GAGA Eyes

2008-12-21T08:59:00.001-05:00

It wasn't long after they met that Jesus feel madly for George.

Saving Soles

2008-12-17T11:19:00.004-05:00

Today the Bush White House unveiled a new rule requiring all staff and visitors to wear soft, fluffy slippers while on the premises.

The slippers are made of rehabilitating lambs wool, used in physiotherapy and natural suede. The wool is soft and cozy. The soles are made of one layer of wool, one thick layer of foam and a layer of natural leather. They are also recommended for people suffering from delusions.

When asked why he had imposed the new regulation, President Bush, speaking from behind a portable Plexiglas shield and wearing a helmet, said "I'm the only one allowed to wear shoes here now 'cause I won't get fooled again."

Something Funny

2008-12-16T10:07:00.001-05:00

It's funny. You can go and see the original US Constitution; the original document, and read it in English. However, there are divisions and schools of thought over what it means. Yet, the Bible has no original documents and people claim to know exactly what it says.

That's funny.

Observational Interruptus

2008-12-13T10:44:00.000-05:00

God intervenes just as Howard is about to discover the truth.

Near Earth Objects

2008-12-12T10:39:00.001-05:00

Doctor Bagly and his astronomical team slowly came to realize that the rogue asteroid fit no known category.

George Bush Meets With Lively Sudanese Tablecloth

2008-12-11T10:56:00.004-05:00

George Bush meets with a lively Sudanese tablecloth at the White House.

The striking black white and red highlights one of the most popular trends in interior design as it is dramatic and effortless in its minimal approach.

Basic black also allows a little colour to go a long way. A black linen tablecloth or runner sets the stage for the vibrancy and impact of a strong colour such as red. Or, for a clean and classy look try this black white and red linen combo together with neutrals such as stone, natural and ivory.

100% Irish linen. Hemstitched border. Fully machine washable.

Snobs

2008-12-10T10:44:00.005-05:00

Ultimately, the experts are the last to know.

Obama Is Coming In

2008-12-09T12:02:00.000-05:00

Fourth and eight trillion, and Obama is coming in to attempt a 265,000 mile field goal.

Monolithic Terms

2008-12-04T12:11:00.003-05:00

We commonly use terms that imply a monolithic structure. Terms like 'the police' and 'the government'. We will know when social order breaks down when these monolithic terms break down.

For example:
If, when we require 'OUR Police' to protect us from 'THEIR police', we will know that a social upheaval is in progress. Should this occur, 'THE Government' will soon follow like this:
You won't want to be 'THEIR' when that happens.

Bubbles

2008-12-03T11:26:00.001-05:00


	There is much talk these days about bubbles. The mortgage or real estate bubble, the tech bubble, and the soon to pop commercial real estate bubble. Bubbles, like all forms of growth within a finite system, are unsustainable. Most media talk about bubbles focuses on those of the financial type. But there is another bubble that is currently being created. This bubble concerns me the most. People with nothing left to loose are being created at a very high rate. When does the poor and disadvantaged bubble pop?

	-

Balance

2008-12-02T11:04:00.000-05:00

Do we have Ultimate Truth yet?

Are We There Yet?

2008-12-01T11:41:00.002-05:00

Is this the economy?

Future Telescope Names

2008-11-26T11:29:00.003-05:00

In the finest tradition of one-upmanship:

Look How Big I Am Telescope (LHBIAT)

Insanely Massive Telescope (IMT)

Monumentally Huge Optical Unit (MHOU)

Fucking Unbelievably Large Telescope (FULT)

Gigantic Light Bucket (GLB)

The Infinite Eye Of God (TIEOG)

I Can't Believe How Big This Is (ICBHBTI)

Pack. We're Going To The Other Side Of The Mirror (PWGTTOSOTM)

I'm Afraid Telescope (IAT)

LightZilla (LZ)

Saints Preserve Us Telescope (SPUT)

The Photonitron (TP)

Fate

2008-11-25T11:39:00.000-05:00


	Fear shouldn't scare you; it should just motivate you to make your next mistake.

	- Dr. E. Benton Figgs

The Prince And The Hose

2008-11-24T09:33:00.002-05:00

HRH Prince Charles is introduced to a hose in Africa. Even though it is only a partial hose, future plans call for royal meetings with full length hoses on a worldwide basis.

Mobile Reputation Destruction Services

2008-11-19T11:57:00.005-05:00

Now this is an exciting new business opportunity, perhaps a franchise is in the planning stage.

Rehab

2008-11-17T11:54:00.004-05:00

You...quickly! Is this logically possible or empirically possible?

I Drew An X

2008-11-13T12:02:00.005-05:00

As you can see, the closer we move to an oligarchy, the more fawning the media becomes to the power structure.

Isn't that interesting?

Eye Nose

2008-11-12T11:14:00.000-05:00


	"Sir, may I request a small concession from you?" "Of course, Jentili." "Sir, I find it irrational that I am required to iron your socks." "Irrational? You mean not sensible or useful Jentili?" "Exactly Sir." "Jentili, a sharp crease in my socks is pleasing to my eye." "But when your shoes are on Sir, that crease is not visible." "But Jentili, when I take my socks out of the sock drawer and look at the sharp crease you have ironed into them, I have an aesthetic event. Do you wish to deprive me of that?" "Not if I can stop putting velvet liners in your handkerchiefs Sir." "Deal Jentili."

	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Aggressive Muffin Techniques

2008-11-11T11:07:00.000-05:00


	"Jentili, I require a muffin." "What kind would you like Sir?" "It doesn't matter Jentili, I will not be eating it." "Sir, may I ask..." "And another thing Jentili, bring me some dental floss." "Yes Sir, one muffin and dental floss then?" "Yes Jentili." "Sir, curiosity compels me to ask why you want dental floss and a muffin you do not plan to eat." "I intend to garrote the muffin using the dental floss." "Sir, couldn't you think of something more humane?" "Only if it was alive Jentili." "Then I recommend bran Sir, it invokes the greatest sense of guilt."

	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Research As Punishment

2008-11-10T11:03:00.002-05:00

Nuclear Aesthetics

2008-11-07T13:05:00.003-05:00

(P)ost (H)ole (D)igger

2008-11-06T11:59:00.000-05:00


	Many of your opinions are theories with no experience to verify them as true. They are built by inference. That is why Harvard rejected you. They felt you didn't need the degree.

	- Dr. Laslow F. Zetz

I Beg Your Pardon

2008-11-05T11:53:00.001-05:00


	A cynic would say the last thing you heard.

	- Dr. E. Havard Roach

How To Argue With A Neocon

2008-11-04T11:46:00.003-05:00

Tired of being shouted down in an argument with your local neocon? Then grab the new NeoGone PT 130.

The PT 130 emits a sustained 180 decibel blast that randomly fluctuates between 2000 and 4000 Hz, a damaging sonic assault to be sure.

So don't yell over them any more, relax and blast them into stunned silence with the NeoGone PT 130.

Couch Tumor

2008-11-03T11:58:00.003-05:00

Golden Bull

2008-10-31T12:35:00.001-04:00


	"Sir, why are the Christians praying to a golden cow on Wall Street?" "Jentili, they are not praying to a golden cow. It's a golden bull. They are asking God for a market rally." "I didn't know God was interested in the stock market Sir." "Jentili, I didn't know that idolatry is now nouveau Christian." "But Sir, why would they go to Wall Street to ask God for a market rally?" "Because Jentili, He works for JP Morgan."

	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

The Dog

2008-10-30T12:35:00.001-04:00


	"Sir, I seem to be having some difficulty in locating the dog." "Barker is missing Jentili?" "I thought he might be in here with you Sir." "Don't be ridiculous Jentili, Barker is afraid of enclosed spaces like my neutral buoyancy tank." "I'm at a loss Sir." "Jentili, did you try the usual summoning techniques?" "Yes Sir. The air raid siren was not successful. The laser display against the clouds did not work. The orange smoke bombs on the front lawn, and the playing of the Zimbabwe national anthem at 193 decibels all failed." "When was the last time you saw him Jentili?" "In London Sir, when you met the Queen." "Yes, I remember now Jentili, I told Barker to stay."

	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Whackjobs And Wingnuts

2008-10-29T11:30:00.000-04:00


	"Jentili, what did you think of that last person on TV?" "I'm afraid Sir, he was a whackjob." "You mean a wingnut Jentili?" "I confess Sir, I don’t know the difference." "Let me explain Jentili: a wingnut is simply quietly insane. Think of a fundamentalist Christian as an example. A whackjob, is a wingnut who has resolved that violence against those he opposes is justified." "So a whackjob is a violent, armed wingnut?" "Exactly Jentili." "Do they have to be religious Sir?" "Jentili, how else is the leader going to finance the private jet, or the mansion, or the hookers?" "You forgot the drugs Sir." "No Jentili, they're right here."

	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Matt Meets The Queen

2008-10-28T10:19:00.000-04:00


	"Sir, the Queen has entered the reception." "Thank you Jentili, now please remain inconspicuous." "She's only two people away from you now Sir." "That was very helpful Jentili, I thought it was Lord Goldsmith in drag." "How do you do your Majesty?" "Very well, thank you Mr. Mental." "You know your Majesty, I was walking in downtown London maybe twenty years ago; and I looked up, and there was your mother waving to me from a car." "Well, isn't that lovely." "She was wearing a sky blue dress and hat." "It was one of her favourite colours." "I have only one question your Majesty: was your mother in fact there?" "Mister Mental, who is that irritating person behind you?"

	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Jesus Trades

2008-10-24T12:15:00.001-04:00

Jesus looking at his trading screen in disbelief as the DOW flirts with a downside limit lock.

Ceeing Klearly

2008-10-23T11:54:00.000-04:00


	"Sir, I am deeply concerned about global warming and greenhouse gases." "You FOOL Jentili! Choice of model determines interpretation of data!" "I'm sorry Sir." "FOOL! Fuh fuh fuh OOOOOL!" "I truly apologize Sir." "Fuh. Ouu. El!" "Yes Sir, I admit I am a fool." "Jentili, what model is that?"

	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

The Bush Doctrine

2008-10-22T11:45:00.000-04:00


	"Ah Jentili, it says on the news that a convenience store operator shot and killed a customer last night." "What for Sir?" "He said that two men came in late last night. He was suspicious of one of them, so he shot him as a preemptive strike. The other customer ran out and got the police." "Was the clerk arrested Sir?" "Yes Jentili. He said that he may have been wrong about the intentions of the customer he shot, but he was right to kill him." "Ludicrous Sir!" "Oh I don't think so Jentili..." "How can you defend cold blooded murder, Sir." "The Bush Doctrine, Jentili." "Sir, may I ask, are you ever suspicious of me?" "Of course not Jentili, I'm registered as independent."

	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

An Obscenity

2008-10-20T12:46:00.000-04:00


	"Jentili, it seems that the biggest emotional reactions to the term 'obscene' are related to consumption." "Consumption in the sense of consumerism Sir?" "Yes Jentili, it's puzzling, I just don't see it." "Another cup of DARJEELING Silver Tips Sir?" "Obviously. Another 'Queen of Teas' for Moi."

	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Another Day At The Office

2008-10-17T10:33:00.002-04:00

"Dear Jesus, your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter..."

He's An Intellectual

2008-10-16T09:51:00.000-04:00


	'He's an intellectual'. This means he went to Harvard, where he was 'educated' beyond his mental capacity. This is what turned him into a pompous buffoon. He was allowed to keep the degree and the tie pin.

	- Oswald W. Pocus

The Bailout

2008-10-15T12:02:00.000-04:00


	That's a bold and decisive plan. Unfortunately the problem it addresses isn't the problem we're currently facing. Because of the gravity of the problem we have, implementing the proposed solution would be catastrophic. But it's a fabulous plan!!

	- T. Herman Flunt

Fear Religion

2008-10-14T12:15:00.004-04:00

Your New Status

2008-10-09T12:09:00.002-04:00

You are no longer a citizen - you are now a suspect.

Guidance

2008-10-08T10:07:00.000-04:00


	Anger is good for propulsion, but is not effective for guidance. For guidance, use revenge.

	- Dr. Phorbes Finn

Exception To The Rule

2008-10-07T10:43:00.000-04:00


	Logically, a solution cannot be the same as the problem. Unless you can train your cat to take out the garbage. That's the only exception I know.

	- Prof. T. Henry Carver

A Worrisome Trend For Some

2008-10-02T12:22:00.000-04:00


	There seems to be a trend developing among conservative Americans of fantasizing about liberal gun use on politicians. Perhaps being robbed has something to do with it.

	- Dr. April Stint-Phlibette

A polite Request

2008-10-01T11:59:00.003-04:00

What Is Christianity With American Characteristics?

2008-09-30T10:15:00.000-04:00


	It is essentially this: you take the Little Prick into a room, throw Him against a wall, beat the Crap out of Him, then tell Him who's boss.

	- Rev. H. Lucas Thinn (Ret.)

How Democracy Works

2008-09-29T13:12:00.002-04:00

At least that's my opinion (the little one near the bottom.)

A Time Of Sacrifice

2008-09-26T10:42:00.000-04:00


	In keeping with the example set by Senator McCain, I have decided to immediately suspend my payment of taxes due to the financial crisis.

	- Thurston H. Drubburd

Feeling So Special

2008-09-25T12:37:00.000-04:00


	I told the President that the bailout plan would not work because it does not address the cause of the problem. He stared at me with a pained expression and offered me a free trip to Paraguay. That is how I became an honorary member of the Secret Service.

	- Dr. Laslow F. Zetz

Let's put the BAIL back into Bailout!

2008-09-24T11:40:00.004-04:00

Henry Paulson goes for a walk...

so does Ben Bernanke.

And The Next President Is...

2008-09-19T11:24:00.003-04:00

It looks like it's neck and neck between Diebold and Accupoll. President Diebold?

Accidents Do Happen

2008-09-18T11:29:00.000-04:00


	"Jentili, I seem to have accidentally painted a Ukrainian Easter egg pattern on my left sock." "How unpleasant for you Sir." "I'm sorry to draw you in to this Jentili." "Was that a play on words Sir?" "Language is not something I consciously pun-ish Jentili." "Shall I get you a new pair of socks Sir?" "What about this damaged pair Jentili?" "May I suggest that we dispose of them Sir?" "What? And destroy my work?" "You said it was an accident Sir." "So I did. However, if we could duplicate that design on the other sock, they would make a splendid pair." "Sir, you want to repeat an accident?" "Jentili, you know it's not that hard. All you have to do is try to be as careless as possible." "Like the time you accidentally paved me into the driveway Sir?" "Something like that Jentili."

	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

None Of The Above

2008-09-17T11:42:00.000-04:00


	"Will you be voting this time Sir?" "No Jentili. However, I am almost finished your sandwich sign." "Sir?" "Your sandwich sign. The one that you will be wearing during our non-of-the-above initiative." "I didn't know that Sir." "Didn't know what Jentili?" "That my duties included public protest in such an obvious way." "This is not public protest Jentili. It is public education." "What are we trying to teach them Sir?" "That voting only works when you can vote against someone directly, Jentili." "Why don't they just vote for the other party Sir?" "Because Jentili, they don't want them either."

	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Optimism

2008-09-16T12:42:00.005-04:00

Doctor Henson, what do you feel the American financial situation is heading for?

It's a fusion of "everyman for himself", with an overarching scenario of dark, future dread. We're all going to be sucked into an end times apocalyptic vortex from which there is no human way of escape.

Thank you Doctor!

Higher Hypocrisy

2008-09-15T10:32:00.003-04:00

A little hypocrisy later....

Aquatic Fowl

2008-09-11T12:20:00.000-04:00


	"Jentili, have you been monitoring activity in the duck pond?" "Yes Sir." "Then, report Jentili." "Sir, there are no duck in the pond at this time." "Jentili, did you say 'no duck' in the pond?" "I'm sorry Sir, I meant to say no ducks in the pond." "Jentili, I thought you meant that there were ducks in the pond, but no single duck." "No Sir, I meant to say there are no aquatic fowl present in the pond in any way." "You mean no living aquatic fowl I trust?" "Sir, there are no aquatic fowl present in the pond - living or dead." "Then Jentili, what is the point of having a duck pond with no ducks?" "It awaits ducks Sir." "Jentili, we must devise a way of summoning ducks to the pond. I believe there are devices that will accomplish this task." "I believe they are referred to as duck calls Sir." "It's an interesting term - duck calls. We need some duck calls Jentili." "We can get them in town Sir." "Start the Ford Jentili. We shall be calling ducks soon." "I'm beside myself Sir." "Funny, I didn't notice that either."

	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Preemptive Strike

2008-09-10T12:11:00.001-04:00


	"Jentili, has the mail arrived yet?" "No Sir." "Thank goodness!" "You seem relieved Sir." "Not really Jentili. We have avoided delivery, but we have not prevented it. The only answer, as I see it, is a preemptive strike." "On the postman Sir?" "Of course not Jentili, that would be wrong. I propose we hide mail distribution boxes in the neighborhood after they have been filled, that way the postman will not be able to reload, so to speak. "Sir, what about the letters in the distribution boxes?" "Simple Jentili, you will anonymously ship them to the post office; after all, they should get some mail instead of constantly delivering it." "Sir isn't this illegal?" "Ridiculous Jentili. We are simply moving the distribution boxes to a safe area - like responsible citizens. Furthermore, we are returning the undelivered mail to the post office. We should get a reward." "Yes you should Sir."

	-excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

A Million Monkeys

2008-09-09T10:36:00.004-04:00

Could a million monkeys, each typing all day long, produce a perfect copy of the original source documents of the Bible?

Could a second million monkeys, each searching all day long, find the original source documents of the Bible - so we could tell if the work of the first million monkeys was accurate?

Crop Circles

2008-09-08T10:44:00.000-04:00


	"Jentili, has the wheat been milled for my sandwich bread?" "Sir, I'm still plunging the toilet from the aftermath of the miniature remote submersible experiment." "But I'm hungry Jentili." "May I suggest Sir, that you avail yourself of what is in the kitchen?" "What is in the kitchen Jentili?" "Food Sir." "Oh that. Well thank you Jentili, but I'm not really hungry right now." "I see Sir." "What about the wheat?" "I haven't planted it yet Sir."

	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

The Javelin

2008-09-05T10:32:00.000-04:00


	"Jentili, has the television set been repaired?" "Not since the javelin incident Sir." "Ah yes, has the javelin been recovered?" "Yes Sir, it has been polished and returned to its case." "Jentili, I wish my aim was more accurate." "Practice is important Sir, however, perhaps the guests at your ritual rug mowing should not be honored by being chosen as targets." "I shall consider it Jentili. Speaking of the rug, has new shag been installed in the mowing room?" "It is scheduled for tomorrow Sir." "Splendid. As for the television, I will attempt repair myself." "Are you sure you feel capable of that Sir?" "You doubt my capabilities Jentili? Keep in mind, it was I who inflicted the damage on the television, via a world class javelin throw - I shall simply reverse the process." "May I watch Sir?" "As soon as I'm finished Jentili."

	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Paint

2008-09-04T10:15:00.000-04:00


	"Jentili." "Yes Sir?" "When was the last time you hardened the paint on the car?" "About three weeks ago Sir, I recall doing it just after you instructed me to iron the cat." "Well it's looking a little soft again." "I see Sir, shall I schedule another hardening procedure?" "Yes, of course, I don't want the Ford to be anything but ridged." "Will there be anything else Sir?" "Yes Jentili, about the cat..." "Yes Sir?" "How did Kitty react to your last ironing?" "Predictably Sir." "I see. Tell me Jentili, do you think we should harden the cat instead of ironing it?" "Sir, I'm afraid the hardeners don't do living things." "Just cars?" "No Sir, only car paint." "What if the cat were painted?" "There is some Royal Blue left over from the lawn Sir." "Excellent Jentili. Keep me informed of your progress." "I live to enable you Sir."

	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Poor Taste

2008-09-03T10:15:00.000-04:00

Coke.

Coca-Cola.

Cocagne.

Obituary Envy

2008-09-02T11:17:00.000-04:00

Steve Jobs is still alive, but a mistake by Bloomberg published his obituary. All 17 pages.

This is a massive obituary.

Seventeen pages. Can you imagine how other former people feel today, knowing that they got fewer pages?

How To Serve Tea

2008-09-01T11:55:00.001-04:00


	"Sir?" "Yes Jentili?" "Sir, I was wondering when you would like me to serve your tea." "I was thinking about that myself Jentili. I have come to the conclusion, that where is more important than when." "Most wise Sir. Then where, may I ask, shall I serve you your tea?" "Upon further reflection Jentili, it really doesn't matter where you serve me my tea, as long as it is served piping hot, flavored with honey, and placed on my favorite mahogany tray with your explanatory note." "My note Sir?" "Yes. Your explanatory note." "Excuse me Sir, but what is it that you would like me to explain?" "You will explain Jentili, in writing, why I have not been served my tea." "But Sir, how can I explain this since I did not know when you wished to be served?" "Jentili, I told you earlier, that where is more important then when, did I not?" "Yes Sir, you did." "Then what are you waiting for?"

	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

New Absentium Clue Found In Space

2008-08-29T10:15:00.000-04:00

New observations from the Falwell Astronomical Research Telescope (FART) and Chandra of the cluster known as MACSJ0025.4-1222 indicate that a large accident has separated Absentium from ordinary matter and produced Crapium. This provides independent confirmation of a similar effect detected previously in a target dubbed the Bullet Cluster, showing that the Crapium in the Bullet Cluster is real Crapium.

(FART and Chandra Composite of the Galaxy Cluster MACS J0025.4-1222. (Credit: FART, NASA, ESA, CXC, etc.)

MACSJ0025 formed after an enormous crash between two large clusters. Using images from FART, astronomers were able to take a wild guess about the total mass distribution of Absentium and ordinary matter. FART was used to map the Absentium (colored in blue) using a technique known as Sorcery.

Chandra data enabled the astronomers to accurately map the ordinary matter, mostly in the form of hot gas or anti plasma, which is not ordinary matter at all, but it does glow brightly in X-rays (shown in pink) because hot gas is pretty.

As the two clusters that formed MACSJ0025 (each a zillion times the mass of our Sun) crashed at speeds of jillions of kilometers per hour, anti plasma in the two clusters shattered into small fragments and slowed down, but the Absentium did not slow down because it was not present, therefore allowing it to pass right through the collision. The separation between material shown in pink and blue therefore provides observational evidence for Absentium and supports the view that Absentium particles hardly interact with each other at all, apart from the pull of Nobelprisium.

The international team of astronomers in this study was led by Bistus Brak of the University of Education, Santa Barbara, USA, and Urdak, an alien life form of the Institute of Research, USA. Their results will appear in an upcoming issue of The Absentium Journal.

Do Missile Defense Systems Work?

2008-08-28T10:15:00.000-04:00

Here is a test.

Step one, have the CEO of the prime contractor ring his executive offices with the latest missile defense system.

Step two, launch an actual missile strike with multiple live warheads, including decoys, course changes and EM pulse countermeasures against the prime contractors corporate headquarters, with the CEO and management team present, of course. This will have the effect of resolving the issue.

Step three, find a new contractor.

Always Double Check

2008-08-27T10:26:00.000-04:00

How The Electoral System Works

2008-08-26T08:28:00.003-04:00

The electoral system is conveniently divided into two parts: voting and counting.

Voting accomplishes this:

Then the counting phase begins as follows:

In order to simplify the counting process, winners are decided in advance by unelected officials who are totally honest.

Usain Bolt's Speed Explained

2008-08-23T10:30:00.000-04:00

Bolt outruns a large carnivore that had consumed all but three runners in the 100 meter final. Fortunately, there were enough medals to go around.

Science At Work

2008-08-22T12:08:00.001-04:00

The Assistants Entrance

The Associates Entrance

The Laureates Entrance

A Problem To Ponder

2008-08-21T12:02:00.000-04:00

What would Jesus do?

A Meeting With The Pope

2008-08-20T11:49:00.002-04:00


	Suddenly Pope Benedict pushed a button on the side of his chair, and two Swiss guards brusquely removed me from the meeting. My sincere protests were ignored. My recommendation for you? Never ask the Pontiff which side he dresses on.

	- Mrs. Mildred Burke

Republicrat Presidential Candidate Announced

2008-08-14T13:50:00.003-04:00

The unity choice, thought to have the support of over 75% of the electorate, Jack McBama promised "War you can believe in."

Creationists: Galactic Absentium Has Lumps

2008-08-13T10:47:00.002-04:00

The galactic Absentium is lumpy, according to a new computer simulation by creationists.

The model, performed on one of the most powerful supercomputers in the world, shows that the spherical halo of Absentium that surrounds the galaxy contains dense clumps and streams, even in the neighborhood of the Earth.

Three-dimensional map of the large-scale distribution
of Absentium in the observable universe

"In previous simulations, this area had no detail, but now after adding simulated synthetic detail, we have enough detail to see blobs of Absentium," said researcher Verne Jewels, an astrocreationist at the University of Education, Laredo (UE).

Absentium, which scientists can only detect by noting its gravitational effect, is thought to make up about 85 percent of the matter in the universe. Its composition remains a mystery, though some scientists think it's made up of hypothetical particles called WIMPs (wildly imaginative missing pieces), which could annihilate each other and emit the exotic element Crapium when they collide.

The new simulation, described in a recent alert by the First Baptist Armageddon Laboratory, speculates that Absentium could be detected by the recently launched Falwell Astronomical Research Telescope (FART).

"Praise God!" Jewels told Matt Mental. "Some of them blobs is so dense they will emit a lot of Crapium if there is an Absentium annihilation, and it might easily be detected by FART."

So far, though many teams have been looking for WIMP particles, no one has conclusively detected them due to the influence of Satan.

"For typical WIMPs, ten or twenty clear signals should stand out from the Crapium background after two years of observations. That would be a big discovery for FART, the first confirmation of pure Crapium." said Walls Sontapopinananesque, a postdoctoral fellow at UE who led the new research.

The model took about one month to run on the Deep Jesus supercomputer at the First Baptist Armageddon Laboratory. By following the theoretical gravitational interactions of more than a zillion pieces of Absentium over six thousand years, the computer could predict how the Absentium in the universe developed over time based on leading theories of how Absentium interacts with large and small things.

"It simulates the Absentium distribution from near the time of the Creation six thousand years ago, until now, so the entire history of the universe is covered," Sontapopinananesque said, just before he hit the floor speaking in tongues.

The research was funded by the U.S. Department of Strange Things, NASA and the Swiss National Dark Chocolate Foundation.

Civil Discussion

2008-08-12T11:14:00.001-04:00


	His appalling lack of civility and crude verbiage during the debate was, without a doubt, due to the obvious fact that he is nothing but a self-loathing, mother fucking, deviant, scumbag, cockroach, walking abortion who should be blow torched in the eyes. I say that affectionately and in all fairness.

	- Dr. M. Purcell Merriweather

Religious Argument With Airballs

2008-08-11T11:12:00.003-04:00

Do you see this airball in my hand? I'm going to toss it to you, and I want you to catch it.

This is the essense of religious argument.

- Rev. Harold Fowler Tinty

Christian Retribution Devices

2008-08-07T12:31:00.003-04:00

Introducing the cruciTASER for the up and coming fundamentalist enforcer on your shopping list!! Yes, now you can pray AND punish at the same time with the cruciTASER XL400.

Delivering a whopping 50,000 volts of divine retribution to the targeted sinner, the cruciTASER XL400 is the latest addition to your Holy Arsenal.

The cruciTASER XL400 is a "self-defense" Christian retribution device. Christian Retribution Devices (CRDs) use propelled wires or direct contact to electrocute sinners.

The cruciTASER XL400 uses a compressed nitrogen cartridge, to fire two probes that are attached to the unit by insulated conductive wires with a maximum length of 15 feet. The cruciTASER XL400 transmits electrical pulses along the wires into the body of the sinner causing extreme pain and suffering, and affecting the sensory and motor functions of the peripheral nervous system. This Divine Fire Of God can penetrate up to two cumulative inches of clothing and is now available in four designer colors: punishing pink, brimstone blue, retribution red and Godly gray.

The cruciTASER XL400 can punish a sinner from up to 15 feet away, allowing you to protect yourself and your family from a safe distance. You can also use the cruciTASER XL400 as a contact stun device to repel atheists - a powerful backup capability when heart-rending prayer doesn't work.

This field proven technology provides a unique, randomly lethal means, that can truly stop a sinner, even those possessed by Satan via drugs and alcohol.

So, when a sinner comes near you - cruciFRY them with your cruciTASER XL400.

Fundamentalist Materialists

2008-08-06T12:06:00.002-04:00


	Somewhere, the point has to be made that fundamentalists and scientist-atheist types are the same, with different values plugged into their universal, intellectual, and personality-forming equations. The people who flatly dismiss things that they do not believe - regardless of the nature of the thing itself - are the same type of people, even if the things they dismiss are radically different. In order to balance this situation out, I propose that lab jackets should be turned into lab robes or gowns. Wearing these, fundamentalist materialists can ooze glamour and intellectual splendor in the luxury of silky chiffon, sure to make its way straight to your hearts. This timeless, iconic beauty has a standard neckline with side shirring pockets, a curve hugging silhouette with a floral embroidery at one side of the waist. A flaring, floor length lab gown with gathering effect emanates a classical ambiance with a sweeping train behind. That's better.

	- Dr. E. Havard Roach

A New Kind Of Church

2008-08-04T11:14:00.005-04:00

Wouldn't it be interesting if there was an honest church?

A church that embraced their hypocrisy? A church that publicly admitted that getting a parking spot was more important to them than helping a homeless person?

A church that admitted they were quite happy with sponsoring ethnic cleansing?

I think such a church would get a big following.

Think of the cash flow!

The Benefits Of Peace

2008-08-01T12:30:00.001-04:00


	We are fortunate to live in a society that has avoided wide scale violence or civil unrest. That is why our leaders are corrupt liars. Did I say fortunate? Please put that taser down!

	- Thurston H. Drubburd

Is Your Life Like This?

2008-07-31T11:20:00.000-04:00


	The sun is setting, it's starting to rain. You're tired and low on gas. You keep running down the road. You're lost, but you keep running down the road. You know its the wrong way, but you keep on going. You wait for that turn off into the golden light. You hope it comes as you press on. You live on hope, waiting to get off the road so you can breath easy again. Is your life like this?

	- J. Walden-Hall (excerpt from a lecture given to a beautiful piece of carpeting in an otherwise empty room.)

Israel Annexed By America

2008-07-30T12:09:00.003-04:00

In an action billed as a cost saving measure, the United States has annexed Israel. The main points of a White House study justifying the annexation were also released today:

They control us financially anyway.

It will stop all this dual loyalty nonsense.

They are closer to New York than Hawaii.

They already get more federal aid than a state.

They have nuclear weapons that we could add to our own.

They already have lots of representation in Washington.

We are going to have to bail the country out anyway.

It wouldn’t cost us a cent.

If we could stop everyone fighting, we could earn billions from wingnut tourism.

The politicians would have something else to talk about.

We could teach them to play football.

It would distract the public from our own problems.

It will create jobs adding another star to the flag.

There would be no import duties on a bottle of Mogan David.

Disney could work wonders with the Temple Mount.

Again I Say: "Do You Think Anyone Will Notice?"

2008-07-29T11:41:00.004-04:00

Howard was told to put more space between his posts.

Do You Think Anyone Will Notice?

2008-07-29T11:31:00.003-04:00

It was Howard's first day on the job. Nobody told him about spreading the posts.

Conspiracy Theories Are Real

2008-07-28T10:23:00.002-04:00


	Conspiracy theories are self replicating. Every conspiracy theory generates a spin-off as soon as someone disbelieves it. The disbelief generates a child conspiracy theory to explain the unsatisfactory parent conspiracy theory. Conspiracy theories are real, just like stock certificates are real. There is a supply of them. There is a market for them. Someone should bring the market theory of supply and demand to this phenomenon and analyze it in terms of a market 'bubble'. Excessive State secrecy generates conspiracy theories because no truth or clarification is available. Will this market have a top?

	- Nigel Thint

Do you have Urinary Dysfunction?

2008-07-25T11:26:00.005-04:00

It's an embarrassment for millions. The constant inquisitive trips to the bathroom; the stress of not knowing if you are 'pee free'.

If you want to spend more time at the urinal, then Niagra is for you.
Niagra works by flushing all your body's liquid into your bladder, then Niagra triggers a massive bladder purge using chemical compounds found in your brain. Niagra is a laxative for your urinary system. You go and go and go.

Ask your doctor about Niagra*.

Niagra. Go now.

* If urination persists for longer than four hours, stop using Niagra immediately. Side effects include blurred vision, dehydration, headache, extreme thirst, hallucinations, social isolation, bitter depression, male lactation, and the development of certain phobias.

Main Stream Mythia

2008-07-24T09:25:00.005-04:00

Asimov's Laws of Robotics Modified For Politics

2008-07-23T13:20:00.005-04:00

Zeroeth- A politician must not merely act in the interests of individual lobbyists, but of all lobby groups.

First- A politician may not injure a lobbyist or, through inaction, allow a lobbyist to come to harm.

Second- A politician must obey orders given to him by lobbyists, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

Third- A politician must protect his own interests as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

This seems to be what is happening, therefore, politicians are robots.

Evil robots.

- Thurston H. Drubburd

All Your Dollars Are Belong To Us

2008-07-22T10:19:00.003-04:00

Socialism for bankers

The non-rich support the rich. What a country!