New Absentium Clue Found In Space

New observations from the Falwell Astronomical Research Telescope (FART) and Chandra of the cluster known as MACSJ0025.4-1222 indicate that a large accident has separated Absentium from ordinary matter and produced Crapium. This provides independent confirmation of a similar effect detected previously in a target dubbed the Bullet Cluster, showing that the Crapium in the Bullet Cluster is real Crapium.

(FART and Chandra Composite of the Galaxy Cluster MACS J0025.4-1222. (Credit: FART, NASA, ESA, CXC, etc.)

MACSJ0025 formed after an enormous crash between two large clusters. Using images from FART, astronomers were able to take a wild guess about the total mass distribution of Absentium and ordinary matter. FART was used to map the Absentium (colored in blue) using a technique known as Sorcery.

Chandra data enabled the astronomers to accurately map the ordinary matter, mostly in the form of hot gas or anti plasma, which is not ordinary matter at all, but it does glow brightly in X-rays (shown in pink) because hot gas is pretty.

As the two clusters that formed MACSJ0025 (each a zillion times the mass of our Sun) crashed at speeds of jillions of kilometers per hour, anti plasma in the two clusters shattered into small fragments and slowed down, but the Absentium did not slow down because it was not present, therefore allowing it to pass right through the collision. The separation between material shown in pink and blue therefore provides observational evidence for Absentium and supports the view that Absentium particles hardly interact with each other at all, apart from the pull of Nobelprisium.

The international team of astronomers in this study was led by Bistus Brak of the University of Education, Santa Barbara, USA, and Urdak, an alien life form of the Institute of Research, USA. Their results will appear in an upcoming issue of The Absentium Journal.

Do Missile Defense Systems Work?

Here is a test.

Step one, have the CEO of the prime contractor ring his executive offices with the latest missile defense system.  

Step two, launch an actual missile strike with multiple live warheads, including decoys, course changes and EM pulse countermeasures against the prime contractors corporate headquarters, with the CEO and management team present, of course. This will have the effect of resolving the issue.

Step three, find a new contractor.

Always Double Check

How The Electoral System Works

The electoral system is conveniently divided into two parts: voting and counting.

Voting accomplishes this:

Then the counting phase begins as follows:

In order to simplify the counting process, winners are decided in advance by unelected officials who are totally honest.

Usain Bolt's Speed Explained

Bolt outruns a large carnivore that had consumed all but three runners in the 100 meter final.  Fortunately, there were enough medals to go around.

Science At Work

The Assistants Entrance

The Associates Entrance

The Laureates Entrance

A Problem To Ponder

What would Jesus do?

A Meeting With The Pope

	Suddenly Pope Benedict pushed a button on the side of his chair, and two Swiss guards brusquely removed me from the meeting. My sincere protests were ignored. My recommendation for you? Never ask the Pontiff which side he dresses on.
	- Mrs. Mildred Burke

Republicrat Presidential Candidate Announced

The unity choice, thought to have the support of over 75% of the electorate, Jack McBama promised "War you can believe in."

Creationists: Galactic Absentium Has Lumps

The galactic Absentium is lumpy, according to a new computer simulation by creationists.

The model, performed on one of the most powerful supercomputers in the world, shows that the spherical halo of Absentium that surrounds the galaxy contains dense clumps and streams, even in the neighborhood of the Earth.

Three-dimensional map of the large-scale distribution
of Absentium in the observable universe

"In previous simulations, this area had no detail, but now after adding simulated synthetic detail, we have enough detail to see blobs of Absentium," said researcher Verne Jewels, an astrocreationist at the University of Education, Laredo (UE).

Absentium, which scientists can only detect by noting its gravitational effect, is thought to make up about 85 percent of the matter in the universe. Its composition remains a mystery, though some scientists think it's made up of hypothetical particles called WIMPs (wildly imaginative missing pieces), which could annihilate each other and emit the exotic element Crapium when they collide.

The new simulation, described in a recent alert by the First Baptist Armageddon Laboratory, speculates that Absentium could be detected by the recently launched Falwell Astronomical Research Telescope (FART).

"Praise God!" Jewels told Matt Mental. "Some of them blobs is so dense they will emit a lot of Crapium if there is an Absentium annihilation, and it might easily be detected by FART."

So far, though many teams have been looking for WIMP particles, no one has conclusively detected them due to the influence of Satan.

"For typical WIMPs, ten or twenty clear signals should stand out from the Crapium background after two years of observations. That would be a big discovery for FART, the first confirmation of pure Crapium." said Walls Sontapopinananesque, a postdoctoral fellow at UE who led the new research.

The model took about one month to run on the Deep Jesus supercomputer at the First Baptist Armageddon Laboratory. By following the theoretical gravitational interactions of more than a zillion pieces of Absentium over six thousand years, the computer could predict how the Absentium in the universe developed over time based on leading theories of how Absentium interacts with large and small things.

"It simulates the Absentium distribution from near the time of the Creation six thousand years ago, until now, so the entire history of the universe is covered," Sontapopinananesque said, just before he hit the floor speaking in tongues.

The research was funded by the U.S. Department of Strange Things, NASA and the Swiss National Dark Chocolate Foundation.

Civil Discussion

	His appalling lack of civility and crude verbiage during the debate was, without a doubt, due to the obvious fact that he is nothing but a self-loathing, mother fucking, deviant, scumbag, cockroach, walking abortion who should be blow torched in the eyes. I say that affectionately and in all fairness.
	- Dr. M. Purcell Merriweather

Religious Argument With Airballs

Do you see this airball in my hand? I'm going to toss it to you, and I want you to catch it.

This is the essense of religious argument.


- Rev. Harold Fowler Tinty

Christian Retribution Devices

Introducing the cruciTASER for the up and coming fundamentalist enforcer on your shopping list!! Yes, now you can pray AND punish at the same time with the cruciTASER XL400.

Delivering a whopping 50,000 volts of divine retribution to the targeted sinner, the cruciTASER XL400 is the latest addition to your Holy Arsenal.


The cruciTASER XL400 is a "self-defense" Christian retribution device. Christian Retribution Devices (CRDs) use propelled wires or direct contact to electrocute sinners.

The cruciTASER XL400 uses a compressed nitrogen cartridge, to fire two probes that are attached to the unit by insulated conductive wires with a maximum length of 15 feet. The cruciTASER XL400 transmits electrical pulses along the wires into the body of the sinner causing extreme pain and suffering, and affecting the sensory and motor functions of the peripheral nervous system. This Divine Fire Of God can penetrate up to two cumulative inches of clothing and is now available in four designer colors: punishing pink, brimstone blue, retribution red and Godly gray.

The cruciTASER XL400 can punish a sinner from up to 15 feet away, allowing you to protect yourself and your family from a safe distance. You can also use the cruciTASER XL400 as a contact stun device to repel atheists - a powerful backup capability when heart-rending prayer doesn't work.

This field proven technology provides a unique, randomly lethal means, that can truly stop a sinner, even those possessed by Satan via drugs and alcohol.

So, when a sinner comes near you - cruciFRY them with your cruciTASER XL400.

Fundamentalist Materialists

	Somewhere, the point has to be made that fundamentalists and scientist-atheist types are the same, with different values plugged into their universal, intellectual, and personality-forming equations. The people who flatly dismiss things that they do not believe - regardless of the nature of the thing itself - are the same type of people, even if the things they dismiss are radically different. In order to balance this situation out, I propose that lab jackets should be turned into lab robes or gowns. Wearing these, fundamentalist materialists can ooze glamour and intellectual splendor in the luxury of silky chiffon, sure to make its way straight to your hearts. This timeless, iconic beauty has a standard neckline with side shirring pockets, a curve hugging silhouette with a floral embroidery at one side of the waist. A flaring, floor length lab gown with gathering effect emanates a classical ambiance with a sweeping train behind. That's better.
	- Dr. E. Havard Roach

A New Kind Of Church

Wouldn't it be interesting if there was an honest church?

A church that embraced their hypocrisy? A church that publicly admitted that getting a parking spot was more important to them than helping a homeless person?

A church that admitted they were quite happy with sponsoring ethnic cleansing?

I think such a church would get a big following.

Think of the cash flow!

The Benefits Of Peace

	We are fortunate to live in a society that has avoided wide scale violence or civil unrest. That is why our leaders are corrupt liars. Did I say fortunate? Please put that taser down!
	- Thurston H. Drubburd