What Is Christianity With American Characteristics?

	It is essentially this: you take the Little Prick into a room, throw Him against a wall, beat the Crap out of Him, then tell Him who's boss.
	- Rev. H. Lucas Thinn (Ret.)

How Democracy Works

At least that's my opinion (the little one near the bottom.)

A Time Of Sacrifice

	In keeping with the example set by Senator McCain, I have decided to immediately suspend my payment of taxes due to the financial crisis.
	- Thurston H. Drubburd

Feeling So Special

	I told the President that the bailout plan would not work because it does not address the cause of the problem. He stared at me with a pained expression and offered me a free trip to Paraguay. That is how I became an honorary member of the Secret Service.
	- Dr. Laslow F. Zetz

Let's put the BAIL back into Bailout!

Henry Paulson goes for a walk...

so does Ben Bernanke.

And The Next President Is...

It looks like it's neck and neck between Diebold and Accupoll.  President Diebold?

Accidents Do Happen

	"Jentili, I seem to have accidentally painted a Ukrainian Easter egg pattern on my left sock." "How unpleasant for you Sir." "I'm sorry to draw you in to this Jentili." "Was that a play on words Sir?" "Language is not something I consciously pun-ish Jentili." "Shall I get you a new pair of socks Sir?" "What about this damaged pair Jentili?" "May I suggest that we dispose of them Sir?" "What? And destroy my work?" "You said it was an accident Sir." "So I did. However, if we could duplicate that design on the other sock, they would make a splendid pair." "Sir, you want to repeat an accident?" "Jentili, you know it's not that hard. All you have to do is try to be as careless as possible." "Like the time you accidentally paved me into the driveway Sir?" "Something like that Jentili."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

None Of The Above

	"Will you be voting this time Sir?" "No Jentili. However, I am almost finished your sandwich sign." "Sir?" "Your sandwich sign. The one that you will be wearing during our non-of-the-above initiative." "I didn't know that Sir." "Didn't know what Jentili?" "That my duties included public protest in such an obvious way." "This is not public protest Jentili. It is public education." "What are we trying to teach them Sir?" "That voting only works when you can vote against someone directly, Jentili." "Why don't they just vote for the other party Sir?" "Because Jentili, they don't want them either."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Optimism

Doctor Henson, what do you feel the American financial situation is heading for?

It's a fusion of "everyman for himself", with an overarching scenario of dark, future dread. We're all going to be sucked into an end times apocalyptic vortex from which there is no human way of escape.

Thank you Doctor!

Higher Hypocrisy

A little hypocrisy later....

Aquatic Fowl

	"Jentili, have you been monitoring activity in the duck pond?" "Yes Sir." "Then, report Jentili." "Sir, there are no duck in the pond at this time." "Jentili, did you say 'no duck' in the pond?" "I'm sorry Sir, I meant to say no ducks in the pond." "Jentili, I thought you meant that there were ducks in the pond, but no single duck." "No Sir, I meant to say there are no aquatic fowl present in the pond in any way." "You mean no living aquatic fowl I trust?" "Sir, there are no aquatic fowl present in the pond - living or dead." "Then Jentili, what is the point of having a duck pond with no ducks?" "It awaits ducks Sir." "Jentili, we must devise a way of summoning ducks to the pond. I believe there are devices that will accomplish this task." "I believe they are referred to as duck calls Sir." "It's an interesting term - duck calls. We need some duck calls Jentili." "We can get them in town Sir." "Start the Ford Jentili. We shall be calling ducks soon." "I'm beside myself Sir." "Funny, I didn't notice that either."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Preemptive Strike

	"Jentili, has the mail arrived yet?" "No Sir." "Thank goodness!" "You seem relieved Sir." "Not really Jentili. We have avoided delivery, but we have not prevented it. The only answer, as I see it, is a preemptive strike." "On the postman Sir?" "Of course not Jentili, that would be wrong. I propose we hide mail distribution boxes in the neighborhood after they have been filled, that way the postman will not be able to reload, so to speak. "Sir, what about the letters in the distribution boxes?" "Simple Jentili, you will anonymously ship them to the post office; after all, they should get some mail instead of constantly delivering it." "Sir isn't this illegal?"  "Ridiculous Jentili. We are simply moving the distribution boxes to a safe area - like responsible citizens. Furthermore, we are returning the undelivered mail to the post office. We should get a reward." "Yes you should Sir."
	-excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

A Million Monkeys

Could a million monkeys, each typing all day long, produce a perfect copy of the original source documents of the Bible?

Could a second million monkeys, each searching all day long, find the original source documents of the Bible - so we could tell if the work of the first million monkeys was accurate?

Crop Circles

	"Jentili, has the wheat been milled for my sandwich bread?" "Sir, I'm still plunging the toilet from the aftermath of the miniature remote submersible experiment." "But I'm hungry Jentili." "May I suggest Sir, that you avail yourself of what is in the kitchen?" "What is in the kitchen Jentili?" "Food Sir." "Oh that. Well thank you Jentili, but I'm not really hungry right now." "I see Sir." "What about the wheat?" "I haven't planted it yet Sir."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

The Javelin

	"Jentili, has the television set been repaired?" "Not since the javelin incident Sir." "Ah yes, has the javelin been recovered?" "Yes Sir, it has been polished and returned to its case." "Jentili, I wish my aim was more accurate." "Practice is important Sir, however, perhaps the guests at your ritual rug mowing should not be honored by being chosen as targets." "I shall consider it Jentili. Speaking of the rug, has new shag been installed in the mowing room?" "It is scheduled for tomorrow Sir." "Splendid. As for the television, I will attempt repair myself." "Are you sure you feel capable of that Sir?" "You doubt my capabilities Jentili? Keep in mind, it was I who inflicted the damage on the television, via a world class javelin throw - I shall simply reverse the process." "May I watch Sir?" "As soon as I'm finished Jentili."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Paint

	"Jentili." "Yes Sir?" "When was the last time you hardened the paint on the car?" "About three weeks ago Sir, I recall doing it just after you instructed me to iron the cat." "Well it's looking a little soft again." "I see Sir, shall I schedule another hardening procedure?" "Yes, of course, I don't want the Ford to be anything but ridged." "Will there be anything else Sir?" "Yes Jentili, about the cat..." "Yes Sir?" "How did Kitty react to your last ironing?" "Predictably Sir." "I see. Tell me Jentili, do you think we should harden the cat instead of ironing it?" "Sir, I'm afraid the hardeners don't do living things." "Just cars?" "No Sir, only car paint."  "What if the cat were painted?" "There is some Royal Blue left over from the lawn Sir." "Excellent Jentili. Keep me informed of your progress." "I live to enable you Sir."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Poor Taste

Coke.

Coca-Cola.

Cocagne.

Obituary Envy

Steve Jobs is still alive, but a mistake by Bloomberg published his obituary. All 17 pages.

This is a massive obituary.

Seventeen pages. Can you imagine how other former people feel today, knowing that they got fewer pages?

How To Serve Tea

	"Sir?" "Yes Jentili?" "Sir, I was wondering when you would like me to serve your tea." "I was thinking about that myself Jentili. I have come to the conclusion, that where is more important than when." "Most wise Sir. Then where, may I ask, shall I serve you your tea?" "Upon further reflection Jentili, it really doesn't matter where you serve me my tea, as long as it is served piping hot, flavored with honey, and placed on my favorite mahogany tray with your explanatory note." "My note Sir?" "Yes. Your explanatory note." "Excuse me Sir, but what is it that you would like me to explain?" "You will explain Jentili, in writing, why I have not been served my tea." "But Sir, how can I explain this since I did not know when you wished to be served?" "Jentili, I told you earlier, that where is more important then when, did I not?" "Yes Sir, you did." "Then what are you waiting for?"
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations