Is Your Life Like This?

	The sun is setting, it's starting to rain. You're tired and low on gas. You keep running down the road. You're lost, but you keep running down the road. You know its the wrong way, but you keep on going. You wait for that turn off into the golden light. You hope it comes as you press on. You live on hope, waiting to get off the road so you can breath easy again. Is your life like this?
	- J. Walden-Hall (excerpt from a lecture given to a beautiful piece of carpeting in an otherwise empty room.)

Israel Annexed By America

In an action billed as a cost saving measure, the United States has annexed Israel. The main points of a White House study justifying the annexation were also released today:

• They control us financially anyway.

• It will stop all this dual loyalty nonsense.

• They are closer to New York than Hawaii.

• They already get more federal aid than a state.

• They have nuclear weapons that we could add to our own.

• They already have lots of representation in Washington.

• We are going to have to bail the country out anyway.

• It wouldn’t cost us a cent.

• If we could stop everyone fighting, we could earn billions from wingnut tourism.

• The politicians would have something else to talk about.

• We could teach them to play football.

• It would distract the public from our own problems.

• It will create jobs adding another star to the flag.

• There would be no import duties on a bottle of Mogan David.

• Disney could work wonders with the Temple Mount.

Again I Say: "Do You Think Anyone Will Notice?"

Howard was told to put more space between his posts.

Do You Think Anyone Will Notice?

It was Howard's first day on the job. Nobody told him about spreading the posts.

Conspiracy Theories Are Real

	Conspiracy theories are self replicating. Every conspiracy theory generates a spin-off as soon as someone disbelieves it. The disbelief generates a child conspiracy theory to explain the unsatisfactory parent conspiracy theory. Conspiracy theories are real, just like stock certificates are real. There is a supply of them. There is a market for them. Someone should bring the market theory of supply and demand to this phenomenon and analyze it in terms of a market 'bubble'. Excessive State secrecy generates conspiracy theories because no truth or clarification is available. Will this market have a top?
	- Nigel Thint

Do you have Urinary Dysfunction?

It's an embarrassment for millions. The constant inquisitive trips to the bathroom; the stress of not knowing if you are 'pee free'.

If you want to spend more time at the urinal, then Niagra is for you.
Niagra works by flushing all your body's liquid into your bladder, then Niagra triggers a massive bladder purge using chemical compounds found in your brain. Niagra is a laxative for your urinary system. You go and go and go.


Ask your doctor about Niagra*.

Niagra. Go now.


* If urination persists for longer than four hours, stop using Niagra immediately. Side effects include blurred vision, dehydration, headache, extreme thirst, hallucinations, social isolation, bitter depression, male lactation, and the development of certain phobias.

Main Stream Mythia

Asimov's Laws of Robotics Modified For Politics

Zeroeth- A politician must not merely act in the interests of individual lobbyists, but of all lobby groups.



First- A politician may not injure a lobbyist or, through inaction, allow a lobbyist to come to harm.



Second- A politician must obey orders given to him by lobbyists, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.



Third- A politician must protect his own interests as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

This seems to be what is happening, therefore, politicians are robots.

Evil robots.

- Thurston H. Drubburd

All Your Dollars Are Belong To Us

Socialism for bankers

The non-rich support the rich. What a country!

Net Brain Syndrome

	As our internet use increases, our attention span shortens. This results in increasing shallowness of field. This in turn, leads to evolutionary changes where our brains assume the shape of our perceptual habits. We shall become flatheads or pancakeoids. I propose the term: 'internetencephalitis'. I think you've seen enough now.
	- Prof. Ferris White

Kentucky Man Wins Terrorist Award

Lester Neab, a fifty year old farmer from Kentucky, was named winner yesterday of the Department of Homeland Security's (DHS) 'We're Watching You' sweepstakes prize for being the one millionth person to be included on the Terrorist Screening Center's (TSC) watch list.


Lester has won a brand new 2008 Ford Ranger Sport Extended Cab Pickup Truck.

The Ranger is available in two or four-door configurations. Engine choices remain the same, with a 2.3L four producing 143 hp, and 3.0L and 4.0L V-6s making 148 and 207 hp, respectively.

Four-wheel-drive is an option on all trim lines, but available only with the V-6 engines. And if you can't fit all your toys in the available 7-ft bed -- the only one that long in the segment -- chances are you can tow them, as capacity is a maximum of 6000 lb.

Options, though varying by trim, include a limited-slip Torsen differential, a payload package that includes rear springs with increased rates and heavy-duty gas shocks, a Class III hitch, and a Pioneer 290-watt MP3 stereo system. The topline FX4 trim comes equipped already with heavy-duty Ranchero shocks, skidplates, and bucket seats, which are new to the model as standard items.

Ford claims that a newly revised front bumper makes the 2008 model more fuel-efficient than last year's model, however, research on www.fueleconomy.gov, a Web site of the Environmental Protection Agency, shows that this change only affects 2WD Rangers equipped with the 2.3L engine and a manual transmission. In 2007, this combination was good for 19 mpg in the city and 24 mpg on the highway. According to the EPA, a similarly equipped 2008 Ranger will get 21 and 26 mpg, respectively. Still, the Ranger is the most fuel-efficient truck in its class.

When notified of his win, Mr. Neab's water boarding was immediately stopped, and he was released.

Winston Bretcht, director of the DHS Prize and Promotions division, handed the keys to Mr. Neab at a special ceremony held just outside the detention center where he had been a guest.

Mr. Bretcht said "Putting a million names on a watch list is not an easy task. It wastes huge amounts of our budget, but it's worth every penny."

Where Were You When

	If Jesus comes back, he will have to spend a significant amount of time answering all those questions that begin with 'Where were you when...'. Or, he could hire a PR firm.
	- Rev. Harold Fowler Tinty

Double Shock

Something disgusting and shocking happens, and you read about it, or see it on TV or the net. You are disgusted and shocked by what you see. Then you notice something else: it seems like nobody else is shocked. This shocks you even more. However, it doesn't stop there, because of the deeper levels of shock. You begin to enter a feedback loop of shock. Eventually, this leaves you permanently shocked. Everything you publicly do is carried out in a state of latent shock.

You go to the store in shock. You keep appointments in shock. You walk down the street in shock. Peoples faces are masks that allow them to hide their state of shock. Any time you think about how shocked you are - it shocks you more.

It's really rather shocking.

- August Hayes

Request Denied

If people are willing to answer questions, but not willing to question answers, what output does this system eventually produce?

Don't answer.

Finding Iraq On A Map

	It has been said that war is God's way of teaching Americans geography. Five years after the invasion of Iraq, only one in three Americans can identify it on a map.  It worries me that God can't teach.
	- Dr. E. Preston Draught

Tony Blair Attacked By Norse God Thor

The moment before the attack, caught on a security camera.

Deconstructing Hubris

	I have begun to encounter the word 'hubris' too often. Hubris is too polite a term to describe what it is being used for. The appropriate term is stupidity. Total, blanket, full-spectrum stupidity.
	- Dr. G. Paul Fredericks

What To Do With Criticism

	You can't allow criticism about your plans to stop you from acting on them, if your plan will take you beyond the level of thinking that created the criticism.
	- Dr. April Stint-Phlibette

New Sin Found In Bible

	I was talking to Rev. H. Lucas Thinn the other day, and I asked him what bearing false witness meant. He said, in the broadest sense, that it meant speaking about something of which you are knowingly lacking in knowledge. For example, if I said I was a mechanic because I once looked at a car engine, I would be bearing false witness. I don't actually know what I'm talking about when it comes to fixing cars. I might have an opinion, but I have no experience or expertise. This has an application to Bible-quoting Christians. Since there are no original documents from which to derive an accurate translation, as Quentin Slayter said, they can't possibly know what they are talking about in any direct sense. By quoting from the Bible to prove a point, or usually to condemn someone they hate, they are bearing false witness. Interestingly, doing this breaks one of the alleged ten commandments. Breaking one of them is a sin. Therefore, the act of quoting from the Bible is an act of bearing false witness, because there are no original documents from which to draw relevant expertise. Quoting from the Bible is a sin. I'm glad we've cleared that up.
	- Rev. Harold Fowler Tinty

Political Metrics

	He is a small 'p' politician. I have to laugh.
	- Todd Vint

Thorge Walker Bush

Thorge Walker Bush

Time Travel

	Yesterday I wrote an article, and today I went back in time and deleted it. When I got back, it was gone. Success!!
	- Name Deleted

Your Letters

	I RIP OFF YOUR GODDAMMED HEAD AND THROAT-FUCK YOU STINKING CORPSE.
	- Excerpt from fan mail

Suicide Accountants Attack America

The International Monetary Fund is responsible for the supervision of the international monetary system.

The IMF's board of directors has decided that a Financial Sector Assessment Program will be performed on the US.

This is a comprehensive examination of the US financial system. It will likely uncover significant criminal activity, given that the primary task of the Federal Reserve is to bail out bank profiteers and racketeers with hundreds of billions in taxpayer money.

This must be done because American banks are too exceptional (big) to fail.

"As part of the assessment," said a Der Spiegel article, "the Fed, the Securities and Exchange Commission, the major investment banks, mortgage banks and hedge funds will be asked to hand over confidential documents to the IMF team. They will be required to answer the questions they are asked during interviews. Their databases will be subjected to so-called stress tests — worst-case scenarios designed to simulate the broader effects of failures of other major financial institutions or a continuing decline of the dollar."

Montana Senator Vincent Boeuf said "This represents a direct attack on our sacred cow of American Exceptionalism and must not be tolerated. Americans treasure the freedom of their elites to fleece them. Therefore, I believe the US must redefine the IMF as Insane Muslim Fanatics. I urge the President to immediately cut taxes and launch air strikes on IMF headquarters in Washington."