Future Telescope Names

In the finest tradition of one-upmanship:

• Look How Big I Am Telescope (LHBIAT)

• Insanely Massive Telescope (IMT)

• Monumentally Huge Optical Unit (MHOU)

• Fucking Unbelievably Large Telescope (FULT)

• Gigantic Light Bucket (GLB)

• The Infinite Eye Of God (TIEOG)

• I Can't Believe How Big This Is (ICBHBTI)

• Pack. We're Going To The Other Side Of The Mirror (PWGTTOSOTM)

• I'm Afraid Telescope (IAT)

• LightZilla (LZ)

• Saints Preserve Us Telescope (SPUT)

• The Photonitron (TP)

Fate

	Fear shouldn't scare you; it should just motivate you to make your next mistake.
	- Dr. E. Benton Figgs

The Prince And The Hose

HRH Prince Charles is introduced to a hose in Africa. Even though it is only a partial hose, future plans call for royal meetings with full length hoses on a worldwide basis.

Mobile Reputation Destruction Services

Now this is an exciting new business opportunity, perhaps a franchise is in the planning stage.

Rehab

You...quickly! Is this logically possible or empirically possible?

I Drew An X

As you can see, the closer we move to an oligarchy, the more fawning the media becomes to the power structure.

Isn't that interesting?

Eye Nose

	"Sir, may I request a small concession from you?" "Of course, Jentili." "Sir, I find it irrational that I am required to iron your socks." "Irrational? You mean not sensible or useful Jentili?" "Exactly Sir." "Jentili, a sharp crease in my socks is pleasing to my eye." "But when your shoes are on Sir, that crease is not visible." "But Jentili, when I take my socks out of the sock drawer and look at the sharp crease you have ironed into them, I have an aesthetic event. Do you wish to deprive me of that?" "Not if I can stop putting velvet liners in your handkerchiefs Sir." "Deal Jentili."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Aggressive Muffin Techniques

	"Jentili, I require a muffin." "What kind would you like Sir?" "It doesn't matter Jentili, I will not be eating it." "Sir, may I ask..." "And another thing Jentili, bring me some dental floss." "Yes Sir, one muffin and dental floss then?" "Yes Jentili." "Sir, curiosity compels me to ask why you want dental floss and a muffin you do not plan to eat." "I intend to garrote the muffin using the dental floss." "Sir, couldn't you think of something more humane?" "Only if it was alive Jentili." "Then I recommend bran Sir, it invokes the greatest sense of guilt."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Research As Punishment

Nuclear Aesthetics

(P)ost (H)ole (D)igger

	Many of your opinions are theories with no experience to verify them as true. They are built by inference. That is why Harvard rejected you. They felt you didn't need the degree.
	- Dr. Laslow F. Zetz

I Beg Your Pardon

	A cynic would say the last thing you heard.
	- Dr. E. Havard Roach

How To Argue With A Neocon

Tired of being shouted down in an argument with your local neocon? Then grab the new NeoGone PT 130.

The PT 130 emits a sustained 180 decibel blast that randomly fluctuates between 2000 and 4000 Hz, a damaging sonic assault to be sure.

So don't yell over them any more, relax and blast them into stunned silence with the NeoGone PT 130.

Couch Tumor