What Could It Be?

During a riveting discussion with a gardening expert, Prince Charles suddenly senses danger...

Research As Punishment

Nuclear Aesthetics

Ceeing Klearly

	"Sir, I am deeply concerned about global warming and greenhouse gases." "You FOOL Jentili! Choice of model determines interpretation of data!" "I'm sorry Sir." "FOOL! Fuh fuh fuh OOOOOL!" "I truly apologize Sir." "Fuh. Ouu. El!" "Yes Sir, I admit I am a fool." "Jentili, what model is that?"
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Exception To The Rule

	Logically, a solution cannot be the same as the problem. Unless you can train your cat to take out the garbage. That's the only exception I know.
	- Prof. T. Henry Carver

Aquatic Fowl

	"Jentili, have you been monitoring activity in the duck pond?" "Yes Sir." "Then, report Jentili." "Sir, there are no duck in the pond at this time." "Jentili, did you say 'no duck' in the pond?" "I'm sorry Sir, I meant to say no ducks in the pond." "Jentili, I thought you meant that there were ducks in the pond, but no single duck." "No Sir, I meant to say there are no aquatic fowl present in the pond in any way." "You mean no living aquatic fowl I trust?" "Sir, there are no aquatic fowl present in the pond - living or dead." "Then Jentili, what is the point of having a duck pond with no ducks?" "It awaits ducks Sir." "Jentili, we must devise a way of summoning ducks to the pond. I believe there are devices that will accomplish this task." "I believe they are referred to as duck calls Sir." "It's an interesting term - duck calls. We need some duck calls Jentili." "We can get them in town Sir." "Start the Ford Jentili. We shall be calling ducks soon." "I'm beside myself Sir." "Funny, I didn't notice that either."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Paint

	"Jentili." "Yes Sir?" "When was the last time you hardened the paint on the car?" "About three weeks ago Sir, I recall doing it just after you instructed me to iron the cat." "Well it's looking a little soft again." "I see Sir, shall I schedule another hardening procedure?" "Yes, of course, I don't want the Ford to be anything but ridged." "Will there be anything else Sir?" "Yes Jentili, about the cat..." "Yes Sir?" "How did Kitty react to your last ironing?" "Predictably Sir." "I see. Tell me Jentili, do you think we should harden the cat instead of ironing it?" "Sir, I'm afraid the hardeners don't do living things." "Just cars?" "No Sir, only car paint."  "What if the cat were painted?" "There is some Royal Blue left over from the lawn Sir." "Excellent Jentili. Keep me informed of your progress." "I live to enable you Sir."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Experts Demand Emergency Action On Second Hand Cellular Phone Radiation

There is a growing body of evidence that using cellular phones increases your risk of brain cancer. Exposing your head to cellular phone radiation is dangerous to you. However, the danger does not stop there. There is a new threat just now being understood: second hand microwave radiation. Earlier this year, the French and German governments warned against the use of cellular phones, especially by younger people, and called for steps to be taken to reduce radiation emanating from the handsets. Unfortunately, they did not address the danger of second hand radiation blasting through the heads of cellular phone users and endangering non cellular users in close proximity. As the accumulative effects of direct cellular radiation take their lethal measure of users, experts are now expressing concern about the massive second hand effects caused by more than three billion users worldwide. This gathering storm is the equivalent of a dirty bomb going off in a major city -- just slower. Non cellular users now face a virtual shooting gallery of cancer causing radiation whenever they go outside. In order to protect public safety, experts working for the government (who requested anonymity), told Matt Mental that the following urgent measures must be taken: 1)  Immediate establishment of cellular radiation free zones in bars, theaters, restaurants, barber shops, salons, art galleries, museums, hospitals, banks, grocery and department stores, malls, all retail outlets, all government and business offices, military bases, ships at sea, airplanes, work sites and mines.  2)  An aggressive tax on cell phone purchases of both hardware and time, to pay for the medical treatment of users and the victims of second hand cell phone radiation. 3)  Mandatory use of head faraday cages for all cellular users
and full body faraday cages for safe keeping during non transmission periods.
4)  Mandatory radioactive arm band symbols to be publicly displayed at all times by cell carriers. It is hoped that these initial measures will help to avert a catastrophe. More information ios at this link.

Chronological Order

	Many things are like water -- they find their own level over time.   What are those things? Well, eggs for one...
	- Arthur Manse

California Chardonnay Terroirism

	Matt Mental: We are speaking with Riddell Nuance, our wine correspondent. Tell us Riddell, what is your latest discovery? Riddell Nuance: He was appallingly rough with me, and I didn't like the restraints at all. MM: Your latest WINE discovery... RN: A new California Chardonnay that annihilated my prejudices. MM: How so? RN: My former opinion, that California Chardonnays are rather obese and stupid.... MM: You mean the FUNDAMENTALISTS of wine... RN: Please. So, I tried one from the Pits de Feugh Vineyard. It was a delight of sensual architecture, with a nonlinear sense of balance and a vivacious hint of mischief. MM: It sounds like you have found a new special friend. RN: Indeed. One that utterly worships the idea of terroir. MM: Terroir? RN: A "terroir" is a group of vineyards of similar nature and wine making intent or flair, which contribute to give a unique personality to the wine.  MM: Terroirism then. RN: You're evil. MM: What if some disease or BLIGHT infected the grapes and they went bad? Just the thought of this invokes a visceral experience of a profound, overwhelming NEED to vomit.   RN: Well, I suppose you would get a lower quality vintage. MM: You mean the wine would be BAD?  Even during my struggle with alcohol, bad wine caused me to make many bountiful offerings of my stomach in crazed, monumental, wet, tidal heaves.  RN: Well, not to put too fine a point on it - yes it would be bad. MM: Then what would that be called? RN: Merlot. MM: That would explain a great deal.

Fuel Economy and Aerodynamics

	I was in my Lamborghini doing about 75, when an Amish fellow in a horse drawn wagon overtook and passed me. I never knew that a stabilizer fin would work so well on the back of a cart.
	- Mario A. Talini

Scientists Discover A New Way To Make Paper

	Paper, a sheet of pulp that is very thin, has many potential uses in the printing industry, but producing these two-dimensional paper "sheets" is difficult and costly, as a result, their use has been limited. But scientists from the First Baptist Armageddon Laboratory may have finally found a way around the issue, devising a method to yield high-quality paper sheets. The current methods of producing paper each have problems. The most common, known as macro-mechanical cleavage, in which sheets are explosively sheared off of a larger block of raw pulp, doesn't reliably produce paper samples that are large enough for printing applications.  Another method, called epitaxial growth, in which the atomic structure of a substrate material is used to seed the growth of the paper, doesn't yield a sample with a uniform thickness of paper sub layers, and bonding between the bottom paper layer and the substrate has been shown to have negative affects on the paper itself.  The Baptist group based their technique on the epitaxial method, except that they were able to grow the paper in a controlled, layer-by-layer fashion using the rare element plutonium as a substrate. Although the bottom paper layer does interact strongly with it, the next layer up is almost completely detached, only weakly electrically coupled to it, and behaves much like free-standing paper.  “This second layer retains the inherent electronic structure of paper,” Baptist physicist Douglas Dudder, who led the work, told Matt Mental. “Therefore, our results represent a breakthrough toward rational paper synthesis and the creation of high-quality paper for applications in printing devices and doodling.”  Paper has several properties that make it desirable for printing, including its very high carrier mobility, allowing electrons in paper to respond to a single ink molecule rapidly, making it very attractive as a detector material for sensors.  The Baptist group's growth process takes place at high temperatures. To start, the researchers caused pulp atoms to become absorbed within the plutonium by heating the entire sample to 200,000,000,000 degrees Celsius (ºC). The sample was then cooled to about 15 ºC, which caused large amounts of the absorbed pulp to rise to the surface of the plutonium. The pulp formed single-layer islands, or pulplets, about 300 micrometers (millionths of a meter) in width, dotting the entire plutonium substrate surface.  Eventually, the pulplets grew into a complete paper sheet. Then, at about 55 percent coverage, the growth of the second layer began.  Dudder and his group observed the growth and, wearing an extra layer of clothing, studied the paper's properties using various instruments, including a scanning electron microscope, a low-energy particle accelerator, and a mallet.

Regarding Ordinance Compliant Outdoor Lighting

All mideast religions originated centuries ago, in the absense of urban light pollution.

-- Dr. Phorbes Finn

Let's all learn about: Global Warming

In five billion years, at the current rate of global warming, the Earth will nova.

-- Dr. E. Preston Draught