Pianissimo Gravitisimo

If a piano was falling out of a window onto an unsuspecting member of the grammatical police or a literary watchdog and I yelled, "Look the fuck out!” He would not move.

Obama NOPE

Sometimes you will have random, unrelated streams of thought that are only fused together into a realization by an image.

The Gaza Crisis

Outgoing President George Bush discusses the Israeli invasion of Gaza with well known Jew, Jesus Christ.

The Bush Doctrine

	"Ah Jentili, it says on the news that a convenience store operator shot and killed a customer last night." "What for Sir?" "He said that two men came in late last night. He was suspicious of one of them, so he shot him as a preemptive strike. The other customer ran out and got the police." "Was the clerk arrested Sir?" "Yes Jentili. He said that he may have been wrong about the intentions of the customer he shot, but he was right to kill him." "Ludicrous Sir!" "Oh I don't think so Jentili..." "How can you defend cold blooded murder, Sir." "The Bush Doctrine, Jentili." "Sir, may I ask, are you ever suspicious of me?" "Of course not Jentili, I'm registered as independent."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

A Worrisome Trend For Some

	There seems to be a trend developing among conservative Americans of fantasizing about liberal gun use on politicians.  Perhaps being robbed has something to do with it.
	- Dr. April Stint-Phlibette

How Democracy Works

At least that's my opinion (the little one near the bottom.)

Feeling So Special

	I told the President that the bailout plan would not work because it does not address the cause of the problem. He stared at me with a pained expression and offered me a free trip to Paraguay. That is how I became an honorary member of the Secret Service.
	- Dr. Laslow F. Zetz

Let's put the BAIL back into Bailout!

Henry Paulson goes for a walk...

so does Ben Bernanke.

And The Next President Is...

It looks like it's neck and neck between Diebold and Accupoll.  President Diebold?

None Of The Above

	"Will you be voting this time Sir?" "No Jentili. However, I am almost finished your sandwich sign." "Sir?" "Your sandwich sign. The one that you will be wearing during our non-of-the-above initiative." "I didn't know that Sir." "Didn't know what Jentili?" "That my duties included public protest in such an obvious way." "This is not public protest Jentili. It is public education." "What are we trying to teach them Sir?" "That voting only works when you can vote against someone directly, Jentili." "Why don't they just vote for the other party Sir?" "Because Jentili, they don't want them either."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

How The Electoral System Works

The electoral system is conveniently divided into two parts: voting and counting.

Voting accomplishes this:

Then the counting phase begins as follows:

In order to simplify the counting process, winners are decided in advance by unelected officials who are totally honest.

A Meeting With The Pope

	Suddenly Pope Benedict pushed a button on the side of his chair, and two Swiss guards brusquely removed me from the meeting. My sincere protests were ignored. My recommendation for you? Never ask the Pontiff which side he dresses on.
	- Mrs. Mildred Burke

Republicrat Presidential Candidate Announced

The unity choice, thought to have the support of over 75% of the electorate, Jack McBama promised "War you can believe in."

Israel Annexed By America

In an action billed as a cost saving measure, the United States has annexed Israel. The main points of a White House study justifying the annexation were also released today:

• They control us financially anyway.

• It will stop all this dual loyalty nonsense.

• They are closer to New York than Hawaii.

• They already get more federal aid than a state.

• They have nuclear weapons that we could add to our own.

• They already have lots of representation in Washington.

• We are going to have to bail the country out anyway.

• It wouldn’t cost us a cent.

• If we could stop everyone fighting, we could earn billions from wingnut tourism.

• The politicians would have something else to talk about.

• We could teach them to play football.

• It would distract the public from our own problems.

• It will create jobs adding another star to the flag.

• There would be no import duties on a bottle of Mogan David.

• Disney could work wonders with the Temple Mount.

Asimov's Laws of Robotics Modified For Politics

Zeroeth- A politician must not merely act in the interests of individual lobbyists, but of all lobby groups.



First- A politician may not injure a lobbyist or, through inaction, allow a lobbyist to come to harm.



Second- A politician must obey orders given to him by lobbyists, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.



Third- A politician must protect his own interests as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

This seems to be what is happening, therefore, politicians are robots.

Evil robots.

- Thurston H. Drubburd

Kentucky Man Wins Terrorist Award

Lester Neab, a fifty year old farmer from Kentucky, was named winner yesterday of the Department of Homeland Security's (DHS) 'We're Watching You' sweepstakes prize for being the one millionth person to be included on the Terrorist Screening Center's (TSC) watch list.


Lester has won a brand new 2008 Ford Ranger Sport Extended Cab Pickup Truck.

The Ranger is available in two or four-door configurations. Engine choices remain the same, with a 2.3L four producing 143 hp, and 3.0L and 4.0L V-6s making 148 and 207 hp, respectively.

Four-wheel-drive is an option on all trim lines, but available only with the V-6 engines. And if you can't fit all your toys in the available 7-ft bed -- the only one that long in the segment -- chances are you can tow them, as capacity is a maximum of 6000 lb.

Options, though varying by trim, include a limited-slip Torsen differential, a payload package that includes rear springs with increased rates and heavy-duty gas shocks, a Class III hitch, and a Pioneer 290-watt MP3 stereo system. The topline FX4 trim comes equipped already with heavy-duty Ranchero shocks, skidplates, and bucket seats, which are new to the model as standard items.

Ford claims that a newly revised front bumper makes the 2008 model more fuel-efficient than last year's model, however, research on www.fueleconomy.gov, a Web site of the Environmental Protection Agency, shows that this change only affects 2WD Rangers equipped with the 2.3L engine and a manual transmission. In 2007, this combination was good for 19 mpg in the city and 24 mpg on the highway. According to the EPA, a similarly equipped 2008 Ranger will get 21 and 26 mpg, respectively. Still, the Ranger is the most fuel-efficient truck in its class.

When notified of his win, Mr. Neab's water boarding was immediately stopped, and he was released.

Winston Bretcht, director of the DHS Prize and Promotions division, handed the keys to Mr. Neab at a special ceremony held just outside the detention center where he had been a guest.

Mr. Bretcht said "Putting a million names on a watch list is not an easy task. It wastes huge amounts of our budget, but it's worth every penny."

Political Metrics

	He is a small 'p' politician. I have to laugh.
	- Todd Vint

The Mystery Of Retroactive Immunity

	Is there a significant difference between retroactive immunity for the telcos that aided spying on the American people for the purposes of 'National Security' and the selling of indulgences by the Catholic church in the middle ages? Why do I keep thinking that retroactive immunity for corporate criminals, and retroactive immunity for spiritual criminals as defined by the church, are two sides of the same coin? Different salesmen, same product I suspect.
	- Mildred Pew

The Problem With Democracy

	If the hallmark of democracy is informed consent, then how do you achieve that in a state immersed in government secrecy? On the other hand, how do you inform a moron?
	- Mrs. Mildred Burke

Committee Rejects Anonymous Sources

	The Committee informed me that my testimony would not be considered acceptable if I attributed any information to unnamed officials or anonymous sources.  I protested saying: "This is America! What other sources of information do I have?" The Chairman then warned me of possible contempt charges should I continue my outburst.  It was then that I removed the foam mallet from its hidden compartment.
	- D. Dub (Crako) Dubbin