Too Big To Fail

Howard weighed in at 350 pounds.


When asked by his doctor why he had embarked on this incredible eating binge he replied "I was trying to get too big to fail."

What Could It Be?

During a riveting discussion with a gardening expert, Prince Charles suddenly senses danger...

Near Earth Objects

Doctor Bagly and his astronomical team slowly came to realize that the rogue asteroid fit no known category.

George Bush Meets With Lively Sudanese Tablecloth

George Bush meets with a lively Sudanese tablecloth at the White House.

The striking black white and red highlights one of the most popular trends in interior design as it is dramatic and effortless in its minimal approach.

Basic black also allows a little colour to go a long way. A black linen tablecloth or runner sets the stage for the vibrancy and impact of a strong colour such as red. Or, for a clean and classy look try this black white and red linen combo together with neutrals such as stone, natural and ivory.

100% Irish linen. Hemstitched border. Fully machine washable.

The Prince And The Hose

HRH Prince Charles is introduced to a hose in Africa. Even though it is only a partial hose, future plans call for royal meetings with full length hoses on a worldwide basis.

Optimism

Doctor Henson, what do you feel the American financial situation is heading for?

It's a fusion of "everyman for himself", with an overarching scenario of dark, future dread. We're all going to be sucked into an end times apocalyptic vortex from which there is no human way of escape.

Thank you Doctor!

Aquatic Fowl

	"Jentili, have you been monitoring activity in the duck pond?" "Yes Sir." "Then, report Jentili." "Sir, there are no duck in the pond at this time." "Jentili, did you say 'no duck' in the pond?" "I'm sorry Sir, I meant to say no ducks in the pond." "Jentili, I thought you meant that there were ducks in the pond, but no single duck." "No Sir, I meant to say there are no aquatic fowl present in the pond in any way." "You mean no living aquatic fowl I trust?" "Sir, there are no aquatic fowl present in the pond - living or dead." "Then Jentili, what is the point of having a duck pond with no ducks?" "It awaits ducks Sir." "Jentili, we must devise a way of summoning ducks to the pond. I believe there are devices that will accomplish this task." "I believe they are referred to as duck calls Sir." "It's an interesting term - duck calls. We need some duck calls Jentili." "We can get them in town Sir." "Start the Ford Jentili. We shall be calling ducks soon." "I'm beside myself Sir." "Funny, I didn't notice that either."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Crop Circles

	"Jentili, has the wheat been milled for my sandwich bread?" "Sir, I'm still plunging the toilet from the aftermath of the miniature remote submersible experiment." "But I'm hungry Jentili." "May I suggest Sir, that you avail yourself of what is in the kitchen?" "What is in the kitchen Jentili?" "Food Sir." "Oh that. Well thank you Jentili, but I'm not really hungry right now." "I see Sir." "What about the wheat?" "I haven't planted it yet Sir."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

How To Serve Tea

	"Sir?" "Yes Jentili?" "Sir, I was wondering when you would like me to serve your tea." "I was thinking about that myself Jentili. I have come to the conclusion, that where is more important than when." "Most wise Sir. Then where, may I ask, shall I serve you your tea?" "Upon further reflection Jentili, it really doesn't matter where you serve me my tea, as long as it is served piping hot, flavored with honey, and placed on my favorite mahogany tray with your explanatory note." "My note Sir?" "Yes. Your explanatory note." "Excuse me Sir, but what is it that you would like me to explain?" "You will explain Jentili, in writing, why I have not been served my tea." "But Sir, how can I explain this since I did not know when you wished to be served?" "Jentili, I told you earlier, that where is more important then when, did I not?" "Yes Sir, you did." "Then what are you waiting for?"
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

A Problem To Ponder

What would Jesus do?

Do you have Urinary Dysfunction?

It's an embarrassment for millions. The constant inquisitive trips to the bathroom; the stress of not knowing if you are 'pee free'.

If you want to spend more time at the urinal, then Niagra is for you.
Niagra works by flushing all your body's liquid into your bladder, then Niagra triggers a massive bladder purge using chemical compounds found in your brain. Niagra is a laxative for your urinary system. You go and go and go.


Ask your doctor about Niagra*.

Niagra. Go now.


* If urination persists for longer than four hours, stop using Niagra immediately. Side effects include blurred vision, dehydration, headache, extreme thirst, hallucinations, social isolation, bitter depression, male lactation, and the development of certain phobias.

Rare Bust Of Julius Caesar's Older Brother Found

Professor Eric Fint of the University of Education has discovered the first known life-sized bust of Timidites Caesar, elder brother of the Emperor Julius Caesar.

It shows the Emperor's brother just after waking up.

Professor Fint, who spoke to Matt Mental from rehab, said: "I just knew it was Timidites! Who else would have such a majestic look?"

Biblical Scholar Proves That Jesus Stood To Urinate

Here is a video of a manly man's man, bursting with biblical levels of testosterone.

Strangely, he has no beard.

However, from this we know that Jesus stood to urinate. The overarching importance of this cannot be "misunderestimated".

I think all manly men should join me in standing to urinate, during a National Piss Off as soon as I organize it.

Let's all learn about: Natural Resources

There is sufficient water on earth to drown every human being six thousand times over.

-- Montgomery Ericson