Left To Right

.violent unusually are left to right read who people seems It

The Financial System Is Rotten

The financial system is rife with fraud and embezzlement. How can you have a squeaky clean government under these conditions?

You can't.

Too bad all the investigative journalists have been Raptured.

Observational Interruptus

God intervenes just as Howard is about to discover the truth.

Future Telescope Names

In the finest tradition of one-upmanship:

• Look How Big I Am Telescope (LHBIAT)

• Insanely Massive Telescope (IMT)

• Monumentally Huge Optical Unit (MHOU)

• Fucking Unbelievably Large Telescope (FULT)

• Gigantic Light Bucket (GLB)

• The Infinite Eye Of God (TIEOG)

• I Can't Believe How Big This Is (ICBHBTI)

• Pack. We're Going To The Other Side Of The Mirror (PWGTTOSOTM)

• I'm Afraid Telescope (IAT)

• LightZilla (LZ)

• Saints Preserve Us Telescope (SPUT)

• The Photonitron (TP)

Eye Nose

	"Sir, may I request a small concession from you?" "Of course, Jentili." "Sir, I find it irrational that I am required to iron your socks." "Irrational? You mean not sensible or useful Jentili?" "Exactly Sir." "Jentili, a sharp crease in my socks is pleasing to my eye." "But when your shoes are on Sir, that crease is not visible." "But Jentili, when I take my socks out of the sock drawer and look at the sharp crease you have ironed into them, I have an aesthetic event. Do you wish to deprive me of that?" "Not if I can stop putting velvet liners in your handkerchiefs Sir." "Deal Jentili."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

He's An Intellectual

	'He's an intellectual'. This means he went to Harvard, where he was 'educated' beyond his mental capacity. This is what turned him into a pompous buffoon. He was allowed to keep the degree and the tie pin.
	- Oswald W. Pocus

A polite Request

A Time Of Sacrifice

	In keeping with the example set by Senator McCain, I have decided to immediately suspend my payment of taxes due to the financial crisis.
	- Thurston H. Drubburd

And The Next President Is...

It looks like it's neck and neck between Diebold and Accupoll.  President Diebold?

Again I Say: "Do You Think Anyone Will Notice?"

Howard was told to put more space between his posts.

Where Were You When

	If Jesus comes back, he will have to spend a significant amount of time answering all those questions that begin with 'Where were you when...'. Or, he could hire a PR firm.
	- Rev. Harold Fowler Tinty

Deconstructing Hubris

	I have begun to encounter the word 'hubris' too often. Hubris is too polite a term to describe what it is being used for. The appropriate term is stupidity. Total, blanket, full-spectrum stupidity.
	- Dr. G. Paul Fredericks

Time Travel

	Yesterday I wrote an article, and today I went back in time and deleted it. When I got back, it was gone. Success!!
	- Name Deleted

Suicide Accountants Attack America

The International Monetary Fund is responsible for the supervision of the international monetary system.

The IMF's board of directors has decided that a Financial Sector Assessment Program will be performed on the US.

This is a comprehensive examination of the US financial system. It will likely uncover significant criminal activity, given that the primary task of the Federal Reserve is to bail out bank profiteers and racketeers with hundreds of billions in taxpayer money.

This must be done because American banks are too exceptional (big) to fail.

"As part of the assessment," said a Der Spiegel article, "the Fed, the Securities and Exchange Commission, the major investment banks, mortgage banks and hedge funds will be asked to hand over confidential documents to the IMF team. They will be required to answer the questions they are asked during interviews. Their databases will be subjected to so-called stress tests — worst-case scenarios designed to simulate the broader effects of failures of other major financial institutions or a continuing decline of the dollar."

Montana Senator Vincent Boeuf said "This represents a direct attack on our sacred cow of American Exceptionalism and must not be tolerated. Americans treasure the freedom of their elites to fleece them. Therefore, I believe the US must redefine the IMF as Insane Muslim Fanatics. I urge the President to immediately cut taxes and launch air strikes on IMF headquarters in Washington."

Class Assignment

	Prove, using only original source documents, that the Bible is not a collection of lentil soup recipes.
	- Rev. H. Lucas Thinn (Ret.)

Latest Non Farm Payroll Report

	I spoke to the President about the current situation involving the Non Farm Payroll Report. I pointed out that the data were not reflective of the status of the national workforce, and that the politically motivated process of 'grandfathering', induced layers of distortion into the results. I asked him directly what he thought of the present conditions.   He replied with steely confidence, saying "I can count to five!" It was then that I removed the foam mallet from its hidden compartment.
	- Dr. Laslow F. Zetz

Problem Solving

	A problem, politically stated, is a problem on it's way to being made much larger.
	- F. Buller

Scientists Discover A New Way To Make Paper

	Paper, a sheet of pulp that is very thin, has many potential uses in the printing industry, but producing these two-dimensional paper "sheets" is difficult and costly, as a result, their use has been limited. But scientists from the First Baptist Armageddon Laboratory may have finally found a way around the issue, devising a method to yield high-quality paper sheets. The current methods of producing paper each have problems. The most common, known as macro-mechanical cleavage, in which sheets are explosively sheared off of a larger block of raw pulp, doesn't reliably produce paper samples that are large enough for printing applications.  Another method, called epitaxial growth, in which the atomic structure of a substrate material is used to seed the growth of the paper, doesn't yield a sample with a uniform thickness of paper sub layers, and bonding between the bottom paper layer and the substrate has been shown to have negative affects on the paper itself.  The Baptist group based their technique on the epitaxial method, except that they were able to grow the paper in a controlled, layer-by-layer fashion using the rare element plutonium as a substrate. Although the bottom paper layer does interact strongly with it, the next layer up is almost completely detached, only weakly electrically coupled to it, and behaves much like free-standing paper.  “This second layer retains the inherent electronic structure of paper,” Baptist physicist Douglas Dudder, who led the work, told Matt Mental. “Therefore, our results represent a breakthrough toward rational paper synthesis and the creation of high-quality paper for applications in printing devices and doodling.”  Paper has several properties that make it desirable for printing, including its very high carrier mobility, allowing electrons in paper to respond to a single ink molecule rapidly, making it very attractive as a detector material for sensors.  The Baptist group's growth process takes place at high temperatures. To start, the researchers caused pulp atoms to become absorbed within the plutonium by heating the entire sample to 200,000,000,000 degrees Celsius (ºC). The sample was then cooled to about 15 ºC, which caused large amounts of the absorbed pulp to rise to the surface of the plutonium. The pulp formed single-layer islands, or pulplets, about 300 micrometers (millionths of a meter) in width, dotting the entire plutonium substrate surface.  Eventually, the pulplets grew into a complete paper sheet. Then, at about 55 percent coverage, the growth of the second layer began.  Dudder and his group observed the growth and, wearing an extra layer of clothing, studied the paper's properties using various instruments, including a scanning electron microscope, a low-energy particle accelerator, and a mallet.

Regarding Evil

	The idea that linguistic analysis is of central importance in the study of mythology is a plot by disgruntled elves.
	- R. P. Hughes

Let's all talk about: Waiting

Citizenship is no longer about where you are from.  Instead, it is about what forms you fill out. 

-- L. Roy Jenkins