Left To Right

.violent unusually are left to right read who people seems It

Secure Astronomy

Early large Newtonian hybrid telescope. Doubles as a cannon so that intruding light sources can be shelled.

Note the balls.

GAGA Eyes

It wasn't long after they met that Jesus feel madly for George.

Near Earth Objects

Doctor Bagly and his astronomical team slowly came to realize that the rogue asteroid fit no known category.

Obama Is Coming In

Fourth and eight trillion, and Obama is coming in to attempt a 265,000 mile field goal.

Rehab

You...quickly! Is this logically possible or empirically possible?

Nuclear Aesthetics

Matt Meets The Queen

	"Sir, the Queen has entered the reception." "Thank you Jentili, now please remain inconspicuous." "She's only two people away from you now Sir." "That was very helpful Jentili, I thought it was Lord Goldsmith in drag." "How do you do your Majesty?" "Very well, thank you Mr. Mental." "You know your Majesty, I was walking in downtown London maybe twenty years ago; and I looked up, and there was your mother waving to me from a car." "Well, isn't that lovely." "She was wearing a sky blue dress and hat." "It was one of her favourite colours." "I have only one question your Majesty: was your mother in fact there?" "Mister Mental, who is that irritating person behind you?"
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Ceeing Klearly

	"Sir, I am deeply concerned about global warming and greenhouse gases." "You FOOL Jentili! Choice of model determines interpretation of data!" "I'm sorry Sir." "FOOL! Fuh fuh fuh OOOOOL!" "I truly apologize Sir." "Fuh. Ouu. El!" "Yes Sir, I admit I am a fool." "Jentili, what model is that?"
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

New Absentium Clue Found In Space

New observations from the Falwell Astronomical Research Telescope (FART) and Chandra of the cluster known as MACSJ0025.4-1222 indicate that a large accident has separated Absentium from ordinary matter and produced Crapium. This provides independent confirmation of a similar effect detected previously in a target dubbed the Bullet Cluster, showing that the Crapium in the Bullet Cluster is real Crapium.

(FART and Chandra Composite of the Galaxy Cluster MACS J0025.4-1222. (Credit: FART, NASA, ESA, CXC, etc.)

MACSJ0025 formed after an enormous crash between two large clusters. Using images from FART, astronomers were able to take a wild guess about the total mass distribution of Absentium and ordinary matter. FART was used to map the Absentium (colored in blue) using a technique known as Sorcery.

Chandra data enabled the astronomers to accurately map the ordinary matter, mostly in the form of hot gas or anti plasma, which is not ordinary matter at all, but it does glow brightly in X-rays (shown in pink) because hot gas is pretty.

As the two clusters that formed MACSJ0025 (each a zillion times the mass of our Sun) crashed at speeds of jillions of kilometers per hour, anti plasma in the two clusters shattered into small fragments and slowed down, but the Absentium did not slow down because it was not present, therefore allowing it to pass right through the collision. The separation between material shown in pink and blue therefore provides observational evidence for Absentium and supports the view that Absentium particles hardly interact with each other at all, apart from the pull of Nobelprisium.

The international team of astronomers in this study was led by Bistus Brak of the University of Education, Santa Barbara, USA, and Urdak, an alien life form of the Institute of Research, USA. Their results will appear in an upcoming issue of The Absentium Journal.

Creationists: Galactic Absentium Has Lumps

The galactic Absentium is lumpy, according to a new computer simulation by creationists.

The model, performed on one of the most powerful supercomputers in the world, shows that the spherical halo of Absentium that surrounds the galaxy contains dense clumps and streams, even in the neighborhood of the Earth.

Three-dimensional map of the large-scale distribution
of Absentium in the observable universe

"In previous simulations, this area had no detail, but now after adding simulated synthetic detail, we have enough detail to see blobs of Absentium," said researcher Verne Jewels, an astrocreationist at the University of Education, Laredo (UE).

Absentium, which scientists can only detect by noting its gravitational effect, is thought to make up about 85 percent of the matter in the universe. Its composition remains a mystery, though some scientists think it's made up of hypothetical particles called WIMPs (wildly imaginative missing pieces), which could annihilate each other and emit the exotic element Crapium when they collide.

The new simulation, described in a recent alert by the First Baptist Armageddon Laboratory, speculates that Absentium could be detected by the recently launched Falwell Astronomical Research Telescope (FART).

"Praise God!" Jewels told Matt Mental. "Some of them blobs is so dense they will emit a lot of Crapium if there is an Absentium annihilation, and it might easily be detected by FART."

So far, though many teams have been looking for WIMP particles, no one has conclusively detected them due to the influence of Satan.

"For typical WIMPs, ten or twenty clear signals should stand out from the Crapium background after two years of observations. That would be a big discovery for FART, the first confirmation of pure Crapium." said Walls Sontapopinananesque, a postdoctoral fellow at UE who led the new research.

The model took about one month to run on the Deep Jesus supercomputer at the First Baptist Armageddon Laboratory. By following the theoretical gravitational interactions of more than a zillion pieces of Absentium over six thousand years, the computer could predict how the Absentium in the universe developed over time based on leading theories of how Absentium interacts with large and small things.

"It simulates the Absentium distribution from near the time of the Creation six thousand years ago, until now, so the entire history of the universe is covered," Sontapopinananesque said, just before he hit the floor speaking in tongues.

The research was funded by the U.S. Department of Strange Things, NASA and the Swiss National Dark Chocolate Foundation.

Religious Argument With Airballs

Do you see this airball in my hand? I'm going to toss it to you, and I want you to catch it.

This is the essense of religious argument.


- Rev. Harold Fowler Tinty

Do You Think Anyone Will Notice?

It was Howard's first day on the job. Nobody told him about spreading the posts.

Where Was Jesus Kidding?

	So Jesus was a man right?  A fully functioning, normal man.  He laughed, cried, had friends?  That means he spoke in a regular way and therefore used irony, humor and sarcasm. So, open the Bible then, and tell me where he was kidding.
	- Rev. H. Lucas Thinn (Ret.)

Class Assignment

	Prove, using only original source documents, that the Bible is not a collection of lentil soup recipes.
	- Rev. H. Lucas Thinn (Ret.)

Internet Damaged Brain Syndrome

	The technology we use to access the internet, changes us through its use. The internet effect: the devices or technology we use to access the internet turns us into quasi-copies of those same devices.   I notice it. My intellectual depth of field has been reduced. It is time related. I don't want to spend the time to read an entire article. I scan for important things - things that strike my fancy or appeal to my sense of quality at the moment. I am being led to evaluate articles on the basis of length or quantity instead of quality. I do no study. If deep thinking or study is equal to deep reading, then my internet activities are reducing my mental capacity for intelligence. The more time I spend on the internet, the more shallow I become. I'm in up to my ankles about now.
	- Nigel Thint

Memories of Sherlock Holmes

	How Sherlock knew what was impossible, is impossible to say.
	- Prof. T. Henry Carver

Scientists Capture First Image Of The Blogosphere

Scientists working at the Institute of Research have captured the first raw image of the blogosphere, a bit of the internet.

Project leader Dr. Paulo S. Lackadaisicali, told Matt Mental: "I thought it looked like an egg, but then I changed my mind."

Global War On Lunch

	If Bin Laden and Ahmadinijhad were both in a restaurant, and Bin Laden said "pass the salt", the Americans would claim they were in secret talks.
	- Maury Blingberg

Satan Traced to Jovian Moon

	Yesterday, creationists at the First Baptist Armageddon Laboratory speculated to Matt Mental that the shifting of poles on one of Jupiter's moons strongly suggest the presence of Satan. The discovery of "wandering poles" on Europa provides further evidence of a deep reservoir of sin beneath the moon's icy crust. Many creationists believe the hidden ocean of sin, warmed by tidal forces from Hell, may provide a suitable habitat for Satan. Europa, which is only slightly smaller than the Earth's moon, has a number of unexplained surface features pointing to a turbulent moral history. One example, is two groups of broad troughs and depressions at diametrically opposite locations on Europa's surface. Verified by images from three spacecraft, Voyager, Galileo and New Horizons, these features are shown extending more than 500 kilometers. Creationists writing in the First Baptist Armageddon Laboratory's journal 'The End' said these were exactly the type of graffiti-like patterns that would be expected to result from the sinful activities of Satan’s minions.