Your Two O'Clock

The Many Faces Of Obama

Obama thinking.

Obama excited.

Obama engaged.

Obama calm.

Obama numb.

Saving Soles

Today the Bush White House unveiled a new rule requiring all staff and visitors to wear soft, fluffy slippers while on the premises.

The slippers are made of rehabilitating lambs wool, used in physiotherapy and natural suede. The wool is soft and cozy. The soles are made of one layer of wool, one thick layer of foam and a layer of natural leather. They are also recommended for people suffering from delusions.

When asked why he had imposed the new regulation, President Bush, speaking from behind a portable Plexiglas shield and wearing a helmet, said "I'm the only one allowed to wear shoes here now 'cause I won't get fooled again."

Near Earth Objects

Doctor Bagly and his astronomical team slowly came to realize that the rogue asteroid fit no known category.

Monolithic Terms

We commonly use terms that imply a monolithic structure. Terms like 'the police' and 'the government'. We will know when social order breaks down when these monolithic terms break down.

For example:
If, when we require 'OUR Police' to protect us from 'THEIR police', we will know that a social upheaval is in progress. Should this occur, 'THE Government' will soon follow like this:
You won't want to be 'THEIR' when that happens.

Are We There Yet?

Is this the economy?

Fate

	Fear shouldn't scare you; it should just motivate you to make your next mistake.
	- Dr. E. Benton Figgs

Eye Nose

	"Sir, may I request a small concession from you?" "Of course, Jentili." "Sir, I find it irrational that I am required to iron your socks." "Irrational? You mean not sensible or useful Jentili?" "Exactly Sir." "Jentili, a sharp crease in my socks is pleasing to my eye." "But when your shoes are on Sir, that crease is not visible." "But Jentili, when I take my socks out of the sock drawer and look at the sharp crease you have ironed into them, I have an aesthetic event. Do you wish to deprive me of that?" "Not if I can stop putting velvet liners in your handkerchiefs Sir." "Deal Jentili."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

How To Argue With A Neocon

Tired of being shouted down in an argument with your local neocon? Then grab the new NeoGone PT 130.

The PT 130 emits a sustained 180 decibel blast that randomly fluctuates between 2000 and 4000 Hz, a damaging sonic assault to be sure.

So don't yell over them any more, relax and blast them into stunned silence with the NeoGone PT 130.

Golden Bull

	"Sir, why are the Christians praying to a golden cow on Wall Street?" "Jentili, they are not praying to a golden cow. It's a golden bull. They are asking God for a market rally." "I didn't know God was interested in the stock market Sir." "Jentili, I didn't know that idolatry is now nouveau Christian." "But Sir, why would they go to Wall Street to ask God for a market rally?" "Because Jentili, He works for JP Morgan."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

The Dog

	"Sir, I seem to be having some difficulty in locating the dog." "Barker is missing Jentili?" "I thought he might be in here with you Sir." "Don't be ridiculous Jentili, Barker is afraid of enclosed spaces like my neutral buoyancy tank." "I'm at a loss Sir." "Jentili, did you try the usual summoning techniques?" "Yes Sir. The air raid siren was not successful. The laser display against the clouds did not work. The orange smoke bombs on the front lawn, and the playing of the Zimbabwe national anthem at 193 decibels all failed." "When was the last time you saw him Jentili?" "In London Sir, when you met the Queen." "Yes, I remember now Jentili, I told Barker to stay."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Jesus Trades

Jesus looking at his trading screen in disbelief as the DOW flirts with a downside limit lock.

The Bush Doctrine

	"Ah Jentili, it says on the news that a convenience store operator shot and killed a customer last night." "What for Sir?" "He said that two men came in late last night. He was suspicious of one of them, so he shot him as a preemptive strike. The other customer ran out and got the police." "Was the clerk arrested Sir?" "Yes Jentili. He said that he may have been wrong about the intentions of the customer he shot, but he was right to kill him." "Ludicrous Sir!" "Oh I don't think so Jentili..." "How can you defend cold blooded murder, Sir." "The Bush Doctrine, Jentili." "Sir, may I ask, are you ever suspicious of me?" "Of course not Jentili, I'm registered as independent."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Your New Status

You are no longer a citizen - you are now a suspect.

Guidance

	Anger is good for propulsion, but is not effective for guidance. For guidance, use revenge.
	- Dr. Phorbes Finn

Exception To The Rule

	Logically, a solution cannot be the same as the problem. Unless you can train your cat to take out the garbage. That's the only exception I know.
	- Prof. T. Henry Carver

Feeling So Special

	I told the President that the bailout plan would not work because it does not address the cause of the problem. He stared at me with a pained expression and offered me a free trip to Paraguay. That is how I became an honorary member of the Secret Service.
	- Dr. Laslow F. Zetz

Aquatic Fowl

	"Jentili, have you been monitoring activity in the duck pond?" "Yes Sir." "Then, report Jentili." "Sir, there are no duck in the pond at this time." "Jentili, did you say 'no duck' in the pond?" "I'm sorry Sir, I meant to say no ducks in the pond." "Jentili, I thought you meant that there were ducks in the pond, but no single duck." "No Sir, I meant to say there are no aquatic fowl present in the pond in any way." "You mean no living aquatic fowl I trust?" "Sir, there are no aquatic fowl present in the pond - living or dead." "Then Jentili, what is the point of having a duck pond with no ducks?" "It awaits ducks Sir." "Jentili, we must devise a way of summoning ducks to the pond. I believe there are devices that will accomplish this task." "I believe they are referred to as duck calls Sir." "It's an interesting term - duck calls. We need some duck calls Jentili." "We can get them in town Sir." "Start the Ford Jentili. We shall be calling ducks soon." "I'm beside myself Sir." "Funny, I didn't notice that either."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Preemptive Strike

	"Jentili, has the mail arrived yet?" "No Sir." "Thank goodness!" "You seem relieved Sir." "Not really Jentili. We have avoided delivery, but we have not prevented it. The only answer, as I see it, is a preemptive strike." "On the postman Sir?" "Of course not Jentili, that would be wrong. I propose we hide mail distribution boxes in the neighborhood after they have been filled, that way the postman will not be able to reload, so to speak. "Sir, what about the letters in the distribution boxes?" "Simple Jentili, you will anonymously ship them to the post office; after all, they should get some mail instead of constantly delivering it." "Sir isn't this illegal?"  "Ridiculous Jentili. We are simply moving the distribution boxes to a safe area - like responsible citizens. Furthermore, we are returning the undelivered mail to the post office. We should get a reward." "Yes you should Sir."
	-excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

A Million Monkeys

Could a million monkeys, each typing all day long, produce a perfect copy of the original source documents of the Bible?

Could a second million monkeys, each searching all day long, find the original source documents of the Bible - so we could tell if the work of the first million monkeys was accurate?