Left To Right

.violent unusually are left to right read who people seems It

Customer Service

"Waiter, the pâté is not to my satisfaction."

"What is the problem with it sir?"

"It's not smooth enough."

"I'll tend to it immediately sir, but first may I ask you a few questions? State your full name; your personal net worth; corporate board affiliations; political party membership; and whether you are long or short the shares of our parent company."

"What?!"

"I will send this information along to our Managing Director. In the meantime, I'll have Maurice come over and suck your cock. MAURICE! You'll like Maurice sir, he's one of our best cocksuckers."

Too Big To Fail

Howard weighed in at 350 pounds.


When asked by his doctor why he had embarked on this incredible eating binge he replied "I was trying to get too big to fail."

The Many Faces Of Obama

Obama thinking.

Obama excited.

Obama engaged.

Obama calm.

Obama numb.

I Beg Your Pardon

	A cynic would say the last thing you heard.
	- Dr. E. Havard Roach

Golden Bull

	"Sir, why are the Christians praying to a golden cow on Wall Street?" "Jentili, they are not praying to a golden cow. It's a golden bull. They are asking God for a market rally." "I didn't know God was interested in the stock market Sir." "Jentili, I didn't know that idolatry is now nouveau Christian." "But Sir, why would they go to Wall Street to ask God for a market rally?" "Because Jentili, He works for JP Morgan."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

An Obscenity

	"Jentili, it seems that the biggest emotional reactions to the term 'obscene' are related to consumption." "Consumption in the sense of consumerism Sir?" "Yes Jentili, it's puzzling, I just don't see it." "Another cup of DARJEELING Silver Tips Sir?" "Obviously. Another 'Queen of Teas' for Moi."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

He's An Intellectual

	'He's an intellectual'. This means he went to Harvard, where he was 'educated' beyond his mental capacity. This is what turned him into a pompous buffoon. He was allowed to keep the degree and the tie pin.
	- Oswald W. Pocus

And The Next President Is...

It looks like it's neck and neck between Diebold and Accupoll.  President Diebold?

Crop Circles

	"Jentili, has the wheat been milled for my sandwich bread?" "Sir, I'm still plunging the toilet from the aftermath of the miniature remote submersible experiment." "But I'm hungry Jentili." "May I suggest Sir, that you avail yourself of what is in the kitchen?" "What is in the kitchen Jentili?" "Food Sir." "Oh that. Well thank you Jentili, but I'm not really hungry right now." "I see Sir." "What about the wheat?" "I haven't planted it yet Sir."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Poor Taste

Coke.

Coca-Cola.

Cocagne.

How The Electoral System Works

The electoral system is conveniently divided into two parts: voting and counting.

Voting accomplishes this:

Then the counting phase begins as follows:

In order to simplify the counting process, winners are decided in advance by unelected officials who are totally honest.

Main Stream Mythia

Experts Demand Emergency Action On Second Hand Cellular Phone Radiation

There is a growing body of evidence that using cellular phones increases your risk of brain cancer. Exposing your head to cellular phone radiation is dangerous to you. However, the danger does not stop there. There is a new threat just now being understood: second hand microwave radiation. Earlier this year, the French and German governments warned against the use of cellular phones, especially by younger people, and called for steps to be taken to reduce radiation emanating from the handsets. Unfortunately, they did not address the danger of second hand radiation blasting through the heads of cellular phone users and endangering non cellular users in close proximity. As the accumulative effects of direct cellular radiation take their lethal measure of users, experts are now expressing concern about the massive second hand effects caused by more than three billion users worldwide. This gathering storm is the equivalent of a dirty bomb going off in a major city -- just slower. Non cellular users now face a virtual shooting gallery of cancer causing radiation whenever they go outside. In order to protect public safety, experts working for the government (who requested anonymity), told Matt Mental that the following urgent measures must be taken: 1)  Immediate establishment of cellular radiation free zones in bars, theaters, restaurants, barber shops, salons, art galleries, museums, hospitals, banks, grocery and department stores, malls, all retail outlets, all government and business offices, military bases, ships at sea, airplanes, work sites and mines.  2)  An aggressive tax on cell phone purchases of both hardware and time, to pay for the medical treatment of users and the victims of second hand cell phone radiation. 3)  Mandatory use of head faraday cages for all cellular users
and full body faraday cages for safe keeping during non transmission periods.
4)  Mandatory radioactive arm band symbols to be publicly displayed at all times by cell carriers. It is hoped that these initial measures will help to avert a catastrophe. More information ios at this link.

The Problem With Democracy

	If the hallmark of democracy is informed consent, then how do you achieve that in a state immersed in government secrecy? On the other hand, how do you inform a moron?
	- Mrs. Mildred Burke

Scientists Capture First Image Of The Blogosphere

Scientists working at the Institute of Research have captured the first raw image of the blogosphere, a bit of the internet.

Project leader Dr. Paulo S. Lackadaisicali, told Matt Mental: "I thought it looked like an egg, but then I changed my mind."

Regarding Communication

	As soon as the President opened his eyes, removed his fingers from his ears, and stopped humming the national anthem, I informed him of the report.  He immediately and properly corrected me.  The all expenses paid Cuban vacation, was an unexpected thrill.
	-Thurston H. Drubburd

Regarding Measurement

Everything, except you, is approximate.

-- Bordon Laung

Let's all learn about: Creativity

I have before me a keyboard.

-- Mr. Wallace Green