Secure Astronomy

Early large Newtonian hybrid telescope. Doubles as a cannon so that intruding light sources can be shelled.

Note the balls.

Mobile Reputation Destruction Services

Now this is an exciting new business opportunity, perhaps a franchise is in the planning stage.

How To Argue With A Neocon

Tired of being shouted down in an argument with your local neocon? Then grab the new NeoGone PT 130.

The PT 130 emits a sustained 180 decibel blast that randomly fluctuates between 2000 and 4000 Hz, a damaging sonic assault to be sure.

So don't yell over them any more, relax and blast them into stunned silence with the NeoGone PT 130.

Fear Religion

Preemptive Strike

	"Jentili, has the mail arrived yet?" "No Sir." "Thank goodness!" "You seem relieved Sir." "Not really Jentili. We have avoided delivery, but we have not prevented it. The only answer, as I see it, is a preemptive strike." "On the postman Sir?" "Of course not Jentili, that would be wrong. I propose we hide mail distribution boxes in the neighborhood after they have been filled, that way the postman will not be able to reload, so to speak. "Sir, what about the letters in the distribution boxes?" "Simple Jentili, you will anonymously ship them to the post office; after all, they should get some mail instead of constantly delivering it." "Sir isn't this illegal?"  "Ridiculous Jentili. We are simply moving the distribution boxes to a safe area - like responsible citizens. Furthermore, we are returning the undelivered mail to the post office. We should get a reward." "Yes you should Sir."
	-excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

The Javelin

	"Jentili, has the television set been repaired?" "Not since the javelin incident Sir." "Ah yes, has the javelin been recovered?" "Yes Sir, it has been polished and returned to its case." "Jentili, I wish my aim was more accurate." "Practice is important Sir, however, perhaps the guests at your ritual rug mowing should not be honored by being chosen as targets." "I shall consider it Jentili. Speaking of the rug, has new shag been installed in the mowing room?" "It is scheduled for tomorrow Sir." "Splendid. As for the television, I will attempt repair myself." "Are you sure you feel capable of that Sir?" "You doubt my capabilities Jentili? Keep in mind, it was I who inflicted the damage on the television, via a world class javelin throw - I shall simply reverse the process." "May I watch Sir?" "As soon as I'm finished Jentili."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Paint

	"Jentili." "Yes Sir?" "When was the last time you hardened the paint on the car?" "About three weeks ago Sir, I recall doing it just after you instructed me to iron the cat." "Well it's looking a little soft again." "I see Sir, shall I schedule another hardening procedure?" "Yes, of course, I don't want the Ford to be anything but ridged." "Will there be anything else Sir?" "Yes Jentili, about the cat..." "Yes Sir?" "How did Kitty react to your last ironing?" "Predictably Sir." "I see. Tell me Jentili, do you think we should harden the cat instead of ironing it?" "Sir, I'm afraid the hardeners don't do living things." "Just cars?" "No Sir, only car paint."  "What if the cat were painted?" "There is some Royal Blue left over from the lawn Sir." "Excellent Jentili. Keep me informed of your progress." "I live to enable you Sir."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Poor Taste

Coke.

Coca-Cola.

Cocagne.

Israel Annexed By America

In an action billed as a cost saving measure, the United States has annexed Israel. The main points of a White House study justifying the annexation were also released today:

• They control us financially anyway.

• It will stop all this dual loyalty nonsense.

• They are closer to New York than Hawaii.

• They already get more federal aid than a state.

• They have nuclear weapons that we could add to our own.

• They already have lots of representation in Washington.

• We are going to have to bail the country out anyway.

• It wouldn’t cost us a cent.

• If we could stop everyone fighting, we could earn billions from wingnut tourism.

• The politicians would have something else to talk about.

• We could teach them to play football.

• It would distract the public from our own problems.

• It will create jobs adding another star to the flag.

• There would be no import duties on a bottle of Mogan David.

• Disney could work wonders with the Temple Mount.

Do you have Urinary Dysfunction?

It's an embarrassment for millions. The constant inquisitive trips to the bathroom; the stress of not knowing if you are 'pee free'.

If you want to spend more time at the urinal, then Niagra is for you.
Niagra works by flushing all your body's liquid into your bladder, then Niagra triggers a massive bladder purge using chemical compounds found in your brain. Niagra is a laxative for your urinary system. You go and go and go.


Ask your doctor about Niagra*.

Niagra. Go now.


* If urination persists for longer than four hours, stop using Niagra immediately. Side effects include blurred vision, dehydration, headache, extreme thirst, hallucinations, social isolation, bitter depression, male lactation, and the development of certain phobias.

Thorge Walker Bush

Thorge Walker Bush

Rare Bust Of Julius Caesar's Older Brother Found

Professor Eric Fint of the University of Education has discovered the first known life-sized bust of Timidites Caesar, elder brother of the Emperor Julius Caesar.

It shows the Emperor's brother just after waking up.

Professor Fint, who spoke to Matt Mental from rehab, said: "I just knew it was Timidites! Who else would have such a majestic look?"

Fashion Statement

	Stop twisting and contorting yourself with every passing fad.  Take a stand.  Be something other than a miserable, pathetic, coward.
	- W. D. Fortay

Robot Evangelist Set To Land Tomorrow in Iran

	(MSM) -- In a new and sophisticated measure designed to save souls, the National Evangelism and Salvation Administration (NESA) hopes its robotic mission to Iran succeeds when it lands Sunday near the Earth's Islamic pole to conduct a 90-day preaching mission. The two-legged lander, called Deep Preach, is fitted with a baptizing arm and giant titanium megaphone. It is zeroing in on an unwitnessed desert region where a reservoir of evangelical sympathy is believed to lie beneath the Islamic surface. Before this robotic evangelist can begin its mission, it must first survive Sunday's fiery descent through the Iranian atmosphere. Deep Preach will approach speeds of more than 17,000 mph in the landing phase. During those nine minutes, it will use the atmosphere's friction and a parachute to slow to 5 mph. Seconds before touchdown, Deep Preach will fire its thrusters for what evangelists hope will be a soft landing at 7:53 p.m. EDT.  Rev. Stance MacAllister, program manager at NESA told Matt Mental "We're all very excited to have this opportunity, but the entry phase will be nine minutes of sheer terror."  Launched last summer from Cape Canaveral, Fla., Deep Preach has traveled 42 million miles for Sunday's touchdown using multiple lunar gravitational assists.  The spacecraft's main tool is an 80 foot titanium megaphone capable of preaching volumes of up to 2,000 decibels. Once Muslims are encountered, the lander will use a powerful laser to assist them in converting, then, it will deploy the baptizing arm. "It'll be a helluva task," said mission co-leader Tommy Joe Scuds of the University of True Education in St. Louis. He predicts the conversions will be "as tough as nails."  The converted Iranians will then be brought aboard Deep Preach's apologetics lab. They will be remotely interrogated in miniature prayer rooms, and their responses analyzed for sin, the building block of evil. Deep Preach will then communicate the results to Missionary Control via a prayer link.   The last time NESA did tests for sin, it was on a hunt for Satan in 1976 with portable evil detectors onboard the twin Viking spacecraft. No conclusive signs of Ol' Slewfoot were found.  Once on the surface, the 800-ton Deep Preach will wait 15 minutes for the dust to settle before engaging its nuclear reactor. Then, it will beam back the first images of its surroundings. Over the next several days, it will check its instruments, and stretch its baptizing arm to scoop up the first Islamic sample.  By around day 5, Deep Preach will dive into the evangelizing phase that is expected to dominate the rest of the mission, preaching about twenty-three hours a day.  While NESA evangelists say there's a chance Deep Preach could live a month or so beyond its 90-day mission, its nuclear reactor won't produce enough power to keep it alive during the Iranian winter, which is very dark and nasty.

Fuel Economy and Aerodynamics

	I was in my Lamborghini doing about 75, when an Amish fellow in a horse drawn wagon overtook and passed me. I never knew that a stabilizer fin would work so well on the back of a cart.
	- Mario A. Talini

First Pentecostal Baptist Church of the Chosen Ones celebrates its IPO

	IMMEDIATE RELEASE The First Pentecostal Baptist Church of the Chosen Ones (ticker symbol: C.ONES) has become the most recent church to be listed on the New York Religious Exchange (NYRE). FPB president and founder, Rev. H. Eldon Biggs, said in a prepared sermon that FPB's new Turbo line of anointed clothes were targeted at the lucrative white male executive niche in the healing market.   About FPB FPB is the leading provider of religious cloth healing solutions. FPB’s customer base includes 100% of the District Court judges in the southern United States and more than 84% of local politicians. FPB’s broad and proven suite of healing and anointing solutions addresses a range of complex religious problems that include posture optimization, personal continuity, financial offering verification and tracking and deathbed management. FPB was founded in 0034 and is based in Denton, Texas.  About NYRE NYRE operates the world's largest and most liquid religious exchange and offers the most diverse array of religious products and services. NYRE is the world leader for listings, trading in religious equities, spiritual derivatives, Godly bonds and the distribution of religious market data. Representing a combined $3.3 trillion total market capitalization of listed religions and average daily trading value of approximately $13.9 billion, NYRE seeks to provide the highest standards of market quality and integrity, innovative products and services to investors and issuers.

Regarding Politics

	Politicrat: A platitude reciting, propaganda throwing tool; a ruling class widget who produces nothing of value. Mediacrat: A platitude copying, propaganda echoing tool; a ruling class widget who produces nothing of value. Voter: A bystander; a subwidget. Radical: An angry subwidget. Insurgent: A motivated radical; a nonwidget.
	- Louis Mott

Let's all talk about: Progress

If technology can be defined as 'applied science'; then the Iraq war can be seen as 'applied religion'.

When will we advance to 'applied magic'? 

-- Oswald W. Pocus

Let's all learn about: Brilliance

I decided that in order to increase my typing speed, the ultra fast, multi-gigahertz, central processing chip should be moved from the system unit and be placed into the keyboard.

I will weld it. I can hardly wai 

-- Arthur Manse