Monolithic Terms

We commonly use terms that imply a monolithic structure. Terms like 'the police' and 'the government'. We will know when social order breaks down when these monolithic terms break down.

For example:
If, when we require 'OUR Police' to protect us from 'THEIR police', we will know that a social upheaval is in progress. Should this occur, 'THE Government' will soon follow like this:
You won't want to be 'THEIR' when that happens.

Aggressive Muffin Techniques

	"Jentili, I require a muffin." "What kind would you like Sir?" "It doesn't matter Jentili, I will not be eating it." "Sir, may I ask..." "And another thing Jentili, bring me some dental floss." "Yes Sir, one muffin and dental floss then?" "Yes Jentili." "Sir, curiosity compels me to ask why you want dental floss and a muffin you do not plan to eat." "I intend to garrote the muffin using the dental floss." "Sir, couldn't you think of something more humane?" "Only if it was alive Jentili." "Then I recommend bran Sir, it invokes the greatest sense of guilt."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

The Bush Doctrine

	"Ah Jentili, it says on the news that a convenience store operator shot and killed a customer last night." "What for Sir?" "He said that two men came in late last night. He was suspicious of one of them, so he shot him as a preemptive strike. The other customer ran out and got the police." "Was the clerk arrested Sir?" "Yes Jentili. He said that he may have been wrong about the intentions of the customer he shot, but he was right to kill him." "Ludicrous Sir!" "Oh I don't think so Jentili..." "How can you defend cold blooded murder, Sir." "The Bush Doctrine, Jentili." "Sir, may I ask, are you ever suspicious of me?" "Of course not Jentili, I'm registered as independent."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Fear Religion

Let's put the BAIL back into Bailout!

Henry Paulson goes for a walk...

so does Ben Bernanke.

Higher Hypocrisy

A little hypocrisy later....

Preemptive Strike

	"Jentili, has the mail arrived yet?" "No Sir." "Thank goodness!" "You seem relieved Sir." "Not really Jentili. We have avoided delivery, but we have not prevented it. The only answer, as I see it, is a preemptive strike." "On the postman Sir?" "Of course not Jentili, that would be wrong. I propose we hide mail distribution boxes in the neighborhood after they have been filled, that way the postman will not be able to reload, so to speak. "Sir, what about the letters in the distribution boxes?" "Simple Jentili, you will anonymously ship them to the post office; after all, they should get some mail instead of constantly delivering it." "Sir isn't this illegal?"  "Ridiculous Jentili. We are simply moving the distribution boxes to a safe area - like responsible citizens. Furthermore, we are returning the undelivered mail to the post office. We should get a reward." "Yes you should Sir."
	-excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

How To Serve Tea

	"Sir?" "Yes Jentili?" "Sir, I was wondering when you would like me to serve your tea." "I was thinking about that myself Jentili. I have come to the conclusion, that where is more important than when." "Most wise Sir. Then where, may I ask, shall I serve you your tea?" "Upon further reflection Jentili, it really doesn't matter where you serve me my tea, as long as it is served piping hot, flavored with honey, and placed on my favorite mahogany tray with your explanatory note." "My note Sir?" "Yes. Your explanatory note." "Excuse me Sir, but what is it that you would like me to explain?" "You will explain Jentili, in writing, why I have not been served my tea." "But Sir, how can I explain this since I did not know when you wished to be served?" "Jentili, I told you earlier, that where is more important then when, did I not?" "Yes Sir, you did." "Then what are you waiting for?"
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Christian Retribution Devices

Introducing the cruciTASER for the up and coming fundamentalist enforcer on your shopping list!! Yes, now you can pray AND punish at the same time with the cruciTASER XL400.

Delivering a whopping 50,000 volts of divine retribution to the targeted sinner, the cruciTASER XL400 is the latest addition to your Holy Arsenal.


The cruciTASER XL400 is a "self-defense" Christian retribution device. Christian Retribution Devices (CRDs) use propelled wires or direct contact to electrocute sinners.

The cruciTASER XL400 uses a compressed nitrogen cartridge, to fire two probes that are attached to the unit by insulated conductive wires with a maximum length of 15 feet. The cruciTASER XL400 transmits electrical pulses along the wires into the body of the sinner causing extreme pain and suffering, and affecting the sensory and motor functions of the peripheral nervous system. This Divine Fire Of God can penetrate up to two cumulative inches of clothing and is now available in four designer colors: punishing pink, brimstone blue, retribution red and Godly gray.

The cruciTASER XL400 can punish a sinner from up to 15 feet away, allowing you to protect yourself and your family from a safe distance. You can also use the cruciTASER XL400 as a contact stun device to repel atheists - a powerful backup capability when heart-rending prayer doesn't work.

This field proven technology provides a unique, randomly lethal means, that can truly stop a sinner, even those possessed by Satan via drugs and alcohol.

So, when a sinner comes near you - cruciFRY them with your cruciTASER XL400.

Kentucky Man Wins Terrorist Award

Lester Neab, a fifty year old farmer from Kentucky, was named winner yesterday of the Department of Homeland Security's (DHS) 'We're Watching You' sweepstakes prize for being the one millionth person to be included on the Terrorist Screening Center's (TSC) watch list.


Lester has won a brand new 2008 Ford Ranger Sport Extended Cab Pickup Truck.

The Ranger is available in two or four-door configurations. Engine choices remain the same, with a 2.3L four producing 143 hp, and 3.0L and 4.0L V-6s making 148 and 207 hp, respectively.

Four-wheel-drive is an option on all trim lines, but available only with the V-6 engines. And if you can't fit all your toys in the available 7-ft bed -- the only one that long in the segment -- chances are you can tow them, as capacity is a maximum of 6000 lb.

Options, though varying by trim, include a limited-slip Torsen differential, a payload package that includes rear springs with increased rates and heavy-duty gas shocks, a Class III hitch, and a Pioneer 290-watt MP3 stereo system. The topline FX4 trim comes equipped already with heavy-duty Ranchero shocks, skidplates, and bucket seats, which are new to the model as standard items.

Ford claims that a newly revised front bumper makes the 2008 model more fuel-efficient than last year's model, however, research on www.fueleconomy.gov, a Web site of the Environmental Protection Agency, shows that this change only affects 2WD Rangers equipped with the 2.3L engine and a manual transmission. In 2007, this combination was good for 19 mpg in the city and 24 mpg on the highway. According to the EPA, a similarly equipped 2008 Ranger will get 21 and 26 mpg, respectively. Still, the Ranger is the most fuel-efficient truck in its class.

When notified of his win, Mr. Neab's water boarding was immediately stopped, and he was released.

Winston Bretcht, director of the DHS Prize and Promotions division, handed the keys to Mr. Neab at a special ceremony held just outside the detention center where he had been a guest.

Mr. Bretcht said "Putting a million names on a watch list is not an easy task. It wastes huge amounts of our budget, but it's worth every penny."

Suicide Accountants Attack America

The International Monetary Fund is responsible for the supervision of the international monetary system.

The IMF's board of directors has decided that a Financial Sector Assessment Program will be performed on the US.

This is a comprehensive examination of the US financial system. It will likely uncover significant criminal activity, given that the primary task of the Federal Reserve is to bail out bank profiteers and racketeers with hundreds of billions in taxpayer money.

This must be done because American banks are too exceptional (big) to fail.

"As part of the assessment," said a Der Spiegel article, "the Fed, the Securities and Exchange Commission, the major investment banks, mortgage banks and hedge funds will be asked to hand over confidential documents to the IMF team. They will be required to answer the questions they are asked during interviews. Their databases will be subjected to so-called stress tests — worst-case scenarios designed to simulate the broader effects of failures of other major financial institutions or a continuing decline of the dollar."

Montana Senator Vincent Boeuf said "This represents a direct attack on our sacred cow of American Exceptionalism and must not be tolerated. Americans treasure the freedom of their elites to fleece them. Therefore, I believe the US must redefine the IMF as Insane Muslim Fanatics. I urge the President to immediately cut taxes and launch air strikes on IMF headquarters in Washington."

The Mystery Of Retroactive Immunity

	Is there a significant difference between retroactive immunity for the telcos that aided spying on the American people for the purposes of 'National Security' and the selling of indulgences by the Catholic church in the middle ages? Why do I keep thinking that retroactive immunity for corporate criminals, and retroactive immunity for spiritual criminals as defined by the church, are two sides of the same coin? Different salesmen, same product I suspect.
	- Mildred Pew

Committee Rejects Anonymous Sources

	The Committee informed me that my testimony would not be considered acceptable if I attributed any information to unnamed officials or anonymous sources.  I protested saying: "This is America! What other sources of information do I have?" The Chairman then warned me of possible contempt charges should I continue my outburst.  It was then that I removed the foam mallet from its hidden compartment.
	- D. Dub (Crako) Dubbin

Memories of Sherlock Holmes

	How Sherlock knew what was impossible, is impossible to say.
	- Prof. T. Henry Carver

Police Prejudice Against Scientists

	I informed the officer that discharging his taser would, in fact, harm him - as I was wearing an invisible sheath of stealth armor that reflected the taser charge back at the assailant. I further assured him, that my Nobel prize for the discovery would be awarded to me shortly at a special ceremony in Sweden. It was then that I felt the bullet enter my leg.
	- Harv Smythe

The United States Department of Silence

	What follows is the only surviving record of Matt Mental's interrupted interview with Justin Case, Secretary of The United States Department of Silence. Matt Mental: I'm speaking with Justin Case, Secretary of the United States Department of Silence. Thank you for your time Mr. Secretary. Justin Case: You're welcome, Matt. MM: I'd like to first ask you about the history of your department. How was it started? JC: Well Matt, that's classified. I'm sorry. MM: Not too worry. I understand these things. After all, you're here now, so let's just move along. Perhaps, Mr. Secretary, we might spend some time on the role of the Department of Silence in the government. JC: Yes, go on. MM: The ROLE, the function of the Department of Silence? JC: Well clearly Matt, the maintenance of good standards of silence is very important to us all. The Department of Silence is dedicated to upholding best practices in silence with the objective of keeping the United States first in the world in the implementation of silence. MM: Do you mean the ABSENSE of noise? JC: Not only the absence of noise Matt, but also the absence of openness, and the consolidation of a more secretive government with a more muted population. MM: That's a rather BOLD statement Mr. Secretary. JC: I'd rather not comment on that. MM: But you JUST said it. You mean you won't comment on what you just said? JC: That's right. MM: Well then, what's the point of talking to you? JC: I could have you arrested, you little tit. MM: Excuse me, Mr. Secretary ... that's TEAT.

Regarding Evil

	The idea that linguistic analysis is of central importance in the study of mythology is a plot by disgruntled elves.
	- R. P. Hughes

Let's all learn about: Listening

I repeatedly had to reprimand him for a deliberate lack of attention.  It was upon his fifth request for clarification, that the assault with which I am charged, occurred. 

-- Charles W. Willaims