Pianissimo Gravitisimo

If a piano was falling out of a window onto an unsuspecting member of the grammatical police or a literary watchdog and I yelled, "Look the fuck out!” He would not move.

Bubbles

	There is much talk these days about bubbles. The mortgage or real estate bubble, the tech bubble, and the soon to pop commercial real estate bubble. Bubbles, like all forms of growth within a finite system, are unsustainable. Most media talk about bubbles focuses on those of the financial type. But there is another bubble that is currently being created. This bubble concerns me the most. People with nothing left to loose are being created at a very high rate. When does the poor and disadvantaged bubble pop?
	-

Are We There Yet?

Is this the economy?

Fate

	Fear shouldn't scare you; it should just motivate you to make your next mistake.
	- Dr. E. Benton Figgs

Aggressive Muffin Techniques

	"Jentili, I require a muffin." "What kind would you like Sir?" "It doesn't matter Jentili, I will not be eating it." "Sir, may I ask..." "And another thing Jentili, bring me some dental floss." "Yes Sir, one muffin and dental floss then?" "Yes Jentili." "Sir, curiosity compels me to ask why you want dental floss and a muffin you do not plan to eat." "I intend to garrote the muffin using the dental floss." "Sir, couldn't you think of something more humane?" "Only if it was alive Jentili." "Then I recommend bran Sir, it invokes the greatest sense of guilt."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

How To Argue With A Neocon

Tired of being shouted down in an argument with your local neocon? Then grab the new NeoGone PT 130.

The PT 130 emits a sustained 180 decibel blast that randomly fluctuates between 2000 and 4000 Hz, a damaging sonic assault to be sure.

So don't yell over them any more, relax and blast them into stunned silence with the NeoGone PT 130.

Couch Tumor

The Dog

	"Sir, I seem to be having some difficulty in locating the dog." "Barker is missing Jentili?" "I thought he might be in here with you Sir." "Don't be ridiculous Jentili, Barker is afraid of enclosed spaces like my neutral buoyancy tank." "I'm at a loss Sir." "Jentili, did you try the usual summoning techniques?" "Yes Sir. The air raid siren was not successful. The laser display against the clouds did not work. The orange smoke bombs on the front lawn, and the playing of the Zimbabwe national anthem at 193 decibels all failed." "When was the last time you saw him Jentili?" "In London Sir, when you met the Queen." "Yes, I remember now Jentili, I told Barker to stay."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

The Bailout

	That's a bold and decisive plan. Unfortunately the problem it addresses isn't the problem we're currently facing. Because of the gravity of the problem we have, implementing the proposed solution would be catastrophic. But it's a fabulous plan!!
	- T. Herman Flunt

Your New Status

You are no longer a citizen - you are now a suspect.

A Worrisome Trend For Some

	There seems to be a trend developing among conservative Americans of fantasizing about liberal gun use on politicians.  Perhaps being robbed has something to do with it.
	- Dr. April Stint-Phlibette

What Is Christianity With American Characteristics?

	It is essentially this: you take the Little Prick into a room, throw Him against a wall, beat the Crap out of Him, then tell Him who's boss.
	- Rev. H. Lucas Thinn (Ret.)

Do Missile Defense Systems Work?

Here is a test.

Step one, have the CEO of the prime contractor ring his executive offices with the latest missile defense system.  

Step two, launch an actual missile strike with multiple live warheads, including decoys, course changes and EM pulse countermeasures against the prime contractors corporate headquarters, with the CEO and management team present, of course. This will have the effect of resolving the issue.

Step three, find a new contractor.

How The Electoral System Works

The electoral system is conveniently divided into two parts: voting and counting.

Voting accomplishes this:

Then the counting phase begins as follows:

In order to simplify the counting process, winners are decided in advance by unelected officials who are totally honest.

Christian Retribution Devices

Introducing the cruciTASER for the up and coming fundamentalist enforcer on your shopping list!! Yes, now you can pray AND punish at the same time with the cruciTASER XL400.

Delivering a whopping 50,000 volts of divine retribution to the targeted sinner, the cruciTASER XL400 is the latest addition to your Holy Arsenal.


The cruciTASER XL400 is a "self-defense" Christian retribution device. Christian Retribution Devices (CRDs) use propelled wires or direct contact to electrocute sinners.

The cruciTASER XL400 uses a compressed nitrogen cartridge, to fire two probes that are attached to the unit by insulated conductive wires with a maximum length of 15 feet. The cruciTASER XL400 transmits electrical pulses along the wires into the body of the sinner causing extreme pain and suffering, and affecting the sensory and motor functions of the peripheral nervous system. This Divine Fire Of God can penetrate up to two cumulative inches of clothing and is now available in four designer colors: punishing pink, brimstone blue, retribution red and Godly gray.

The cruciTASER XL400 can punish a sinner from up to 15 feet away, allowing you to protect yourself and your family from a safe distance. You can also use the cruciTASER XL400 as a contact stun device to repel atheists - a powerful backup capability when heart-rending prayer doesn't work.

This field proven technology provides a unique, randomly lethal means, that can truly stop a sinner, even those possessed by Satan via drugs and alcohol.

So, when a sinner comes near you - cruciFRY them with your cruciTASER XL400.

The Benefits Of Peace

	We are fortunate to live in a society that has avoided wide scale violence or civil unrest. That is why our leaders are corrupt liars. Did I say fortunate? Please put that taser down!
	- Thurston H. Drubburd

Is Your Life Like This?

	The sun is setting, it's starting to rain. You're tired and low on gas. You keep running down the road. You're lost, but you keep running down the road. You know its the wrong way, but you keep on going. You wait for that turn off into the golden light. You hope it comes as you press on. You live on hope, waiting to get off the road so you can breath easy again. Is your life like this?
	- J. Walden-Hall (excerpt from a lecture given to a beautiful piece of carpeting in an otherwise empty room.)

Israel Annexed By America

In an action billed as a cost saving measure, the United States has annexed Israel. The main points of a White House study justifying the annexation were also released today:

• They control us financially anyway.

• It will stop all this dual loyalty nonsense.

• They are closer to New York than Hawaii.

• They already get more federal aid than a state.

• They have nuclear weapons that we could add to our own.

• They already have lots of representation in Washington.

• We are going to have to bail the country out anyway.

• It wouldn’t cost us a cent.

• If we could stop everyone fighting, we could earn billions from wingnut tourism.

• The politicians would have something else to talk about.

• We could teach them to play football.

• It would distract the public from our own problems.

• It will create jobs adding another star to the flag.

• There would be no import duties on a bottle of Mogan David.

• Disney could work wonders with the Temple Mount.

Asimov's Laws of Robotics Modified For Politics

Zeroeth- A politician must not merely act in the interests of individual lobbyists, but of all lobby groups.



First- A politician may not injure a lobbyist or, through inaction, allow a lobbyist to come to harm.



Second- A politician must obey orders given to him by lobbyists, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.



Third- A politician must protect his own interests as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

This seems to be what is happening, therefore, politicians are robots.

Evil robots.

- Thurston H. Drubburd

All Your Dollars Are Belong To Us

Socialism for bankers

The non-rich support the rich. What a country!