Secure Astronomy

Early large Newtonian hybrid telescope. Doubles as a cannon so that intruding light sources can be shelled.

Note the balls.

Obama Is Coming In

Fourth and eight trillion, and Obama is coming in to attempt a 265,000 mile field goal.

Rehab

You...quickly! Is this logically possible or empirically possible?

Aggressive Muffin Techniques

	"Jentili, I require a muffin." "What kind would you like Sir?" "It doesn't matter Jentili, I will not be eating it." "Sir, may I ask..." "And another thing Jentili, bring me some dental floss." "Yes Sir, one muffin and dental floss then?" "Yes Jentili." "Sir, curiosity compels me to ask why you want dental floss and a muffin you do not plan to eat." "I intend to garrote the muffin using the dental floss." "Sir, couldn't you think of something more humane?" "Only if it was alive Jentili." "Then I recommend bran Sir, it invokes the greatest sense of guilt."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Research As Punishment

(P)ost (H)ole (D)igger

	Many of your opinions are theories with no experience to verify them as true. They are built by inference. That is why Harvard rejected you. They felt you didn't need the degree.
	- Dr. Laslow F. Zetz

The Dog

	"Sir, I seem to be having some difficulty in locating the dog." "Barker is missing Jentili?" "I thought he might be in here with you Sir." "Don't be ridiculous Jentili, Barker is afraid of enclosed spaces like my neutral buoyancy tank." "I'm at a loss Sir." "Jentili, did you try the usual summoning techniques?" "Yes Sir. The air raid siren was not successful. The laser display against the clouds did not work. The orange smoke bombs on the front lawn, and the playing of the Zimbabwe national anthem at 193 decibels all failed." "When was the last time you saw him Jentili?" "In London Sir, when you met the Queen." "Yes, I remember now Jentili, I told Barker to stay."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Whackjobs And Wingnuts

	"Jentili, what did you think of that last person on TV?" "I'm afraid Sir, he was a whackjob." "You mean a wingnut Jentili?" "I confess Sir, I don’t know the difference." "Let me explain Jentili: a wingnut is simply quietly insane. Think of a fundamentalist Christian as an example. A whackjob, is a wingnut who has resolved that violence against those he opposes is justified." "So a whackjob is a violent, armed wingnut?" "Exactly Jentili." "Do they have to be religious Sir?" "Jentili, how else is the leader going to finance the private jet, or the mansion, or the hookers?" "You forgot the drugs Sir." "No Jentili, they're right here."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Aquatic Fowl

	"Jentili, have you been monitoring activity in the duck pond?" "Yes Sir." "Then, report Jentili." "Sir, there are no duck in the pond at this time." "Jentili, did you say 'no duck' in the pond?" "I'm sorry Sir, I meant to say no ducks in the pond." "Jentili, I thought you meant that there were ducks in the pond, but no single duck." "No Sir, I meant to say there are no aquatic fowl present in the pond in any way." "You mean no living aquatic fowl I trust?" "Sir, there are no aquatic fowl present in the pond - living or dead." "Then Jentili, what is the point of having a duck pond with no ducks?" "It awaits ducks Sir." "Jentili, we must devise a way of summoning ducks to the pond. I believe there are devices that will accomplish this task." "I believe they are referred to as duck calls Sir." "It's an interesting term - duck calls. We need some duck calls Jentili." "We can get them in town Sir." "Start the Ford Jentili. We shall be calling ducks soon." "I'm beside myself Sir." "Funny, I didn't notice that either."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

The Javelin

	"Jentili, has the television set been repaired?" "Not since the javelin incident Sir." "Ah yes, has the javelin been recovered?" "Yes Sir, it has been polished and returned to its case." "Jentili, I wish my aim was more accurate." "Practice is important Sir, however, perhaps the guests at your ritual rug mowing should not be honored by being chosen as targets." "I shall consider it Jentili. Speaking of the rug, has new shag been installed in the mowing room?" "It is scheduled for tomorrow Sir." "Splendid. As for the television, I will attempt repair myself." "Are you sure you feel capable of that Sir?" "You doubt my capabilities Jentili? Keep in mind, it was I who inflicted the damage on the television, via a world class javelin throw - I shall simply reverse the process." "May I watch Sir?" "As soon as I'm finished Jentili."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Obituary Envy

Steve Jobs is still alive, but a mistake by Bloomberg published his obituary. All 17 pages.

This is a massive obituary.

Seventeen pages. Can you imagine how other former people feel today, knowing that they got fewer pages?

Always Double Check

Usain Bolt's Speed Explained

Bolt outruns a large carnivore that had consumed all but three runners in the 100 meter final.  Fortunately, there were enough medals to go around.

The Benefits Of Peace

	We are fortunate to live in a society that has avoided wide scale violence or civil unrest. That is why our leaders are corrupt liars. Did I say fortunate? Please put that taser down!
	- Thurston H. Drubburd

Again I Say: "Do You Think Anyone Will Notice?"

Howard was told to put more space between his posts.

Do You Think Anyone Will Notice?

It was Howard's first day on the job. Nobody told him about spreading the posts.

Do you have Urinary Dysfunction?

It's an embarrassment for millions. The constant inquisitive trips to the bathroom; the stress of not knowing if you are 'pee free'.

If you want to spend more time at the urinal, then Niagra is for you.
Niagra works by flushing all your body's liquid into your bladder, then Niagra triggers a massive bladder purge using chemical compounds found in your brain. Niagra is a laxative for your urinary system. You go and go and go.


Ask your doctor about Niagra*.

Niagra. Go now.


* If urination persists for longer than four hours, stop using Niagra immediately. Side effects include blurred vision, dehydration, headache, extreme thirst, hallucinations, social isolation, bitter depression, male lactation, and the development of certain phobias.

Kentucky Man Wins Terrorist Award

Lester Neab, a fifty year old farmer from Kentucky, was named winner yesterday of the Department of Homeland Security's (DHS) 'We're Watching You' sweepstakes prize for being the one millionth person to be included on the Terrorist Screening Center's (TSC) watch list.


Lester has won a brand new 2008 Ford Ranger Sport Extended Cab Pickup Truck.

The Ranger is available in two or four-door configurations. Engine choices remain the same, with a 2.3L four producing 143 hp, and 3.0L and 4.0L V-6s making 148 and 207 hp, respectively.

Four-wheel-drive is an option on all trim lines, but available only with the V-6 engines. And if you can't fit all your toys in the available 7-ft bed -- the only one that long in the segment -- chances are you can tow them, as capacity is a maximum of 6000 lb.

Options, though varying by trim, include a limited-slip Torsen differential, a payload package that includes rear springs with increased rates and heavy-duty gas shocks, a Class III hitch, and a Pioneer 290-watt MP3 stereo system. The topline FX4 trim comes equipped already with heavy-duty Ranchero shocks, skidplates, and bucket seats, which are new to the model as standard items.

Ford claims that a newly revised front bumper makes the 2008 model more fuel-efficient than last year's model, however, research on www.fueleconomy.gov, a Web site of the Environmental Protection Agency, shows that this change only affects 2WD Rangers equipped with the 2.3L engine and a manual transmission. In 2007, this combination was good for 19 mpg in the city and 24 mpg on the highway. According to the EPA, a similarly equipped 2008 Ranger will get 21 and 26 mpg, respectively. Still, the Ranger is the most fuel-efficient truck in its class.

When notified of his win, Mr. Neab's water boarding was immediately stopped, and he was released.

Winston Bretcht, director of the DHS Prize and Promotions division, handed the keys to Mr. Neab at a special ceremony held just outside the detention center where he had been a guest.

Mr. Bretcht said "Putting a million names on a watch list is not an easy task. It wastes huge amounts of our budget, but it's worth every penny."

Double Shock

Something disgusting and shocking happens, and you read about it, or see it on TV or the net. You are disgusted and shocked by what you see. Then you notice something else: it seems like nobody else is shocked. This shocks you even more. However, it doesn't stop there, because of the deeper levels of shock. You begin to enter a feedback loop of shock. Eventually, this leaves you permanently shocked. Everything you publicly do is carried out in a state of latent shock.

You go to the store in shock. You keep appointments in shock. You walk down the street in shock. Peoples faces are masks that allow them to hide their state of shock. Any time you think about how shocked you are - it shocks you more.

It's really rather shocking.

- August Hayes

Deconstructing Hubris

	I have begun to encounter the word 'hubris' too often. Hubris is too polite a term to describe what it is being used for. The appropriate term is stupidity. Total, blanket, full-spectrum stupidity.
	- Dr. G. Paul Fredericks