The Gaza Crisis

Outgoing President George Bush discusses the Israeli invasion of Gaza with well known Jew, Jesus Christ.

Mobile Reputation Destruction Services

Now this is an exciting new business opportunity, perhaps a franchise is in the planning stage.

Golden Bull

	"Sir, why are the Christians praying to a golden cow on Wall Street?" "Jentili, they are not praying to a golden cow. It's a golden bull. They are asking God for a market rally." "I didn't know God was interested in the stock market Sir." "Jentili, I didn't know that idolatry is now nouveau Christian." "But Sir, why would they go to Wall Street to ask God for a market rally?" "Because Jentili, He works for JP Morgan."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Fear Religion

Higher Hypocrisy

A little hypocrisy later....

How To Serve Tea

	"Sir?" "Yes Jentili?" "Sir, I was wondering when you would like me to serve your tea." "I was thinking about that myself Jentili. I have come to the conclusion, that where is more important than when." "Most wise Sir. Then where, may I ask, shall I serve you your tea?" "Upon further reflection Jentili, it really doesn't matter where you serve me my tea, as long as it is served piping hot, flavored with honey, and placed on my favorite mahogany tray with your explanatory note." "My note Sir?" "Yes. Your explanatory note." "Excuse me Sir, but what is it that you would like me to explain?" "You will explain Jentili, in writing, why I have not been served my tea." "But Sir, how can I explain this since I did not know when you wished to be served?" "Jentili, I told you earlier, that where is more important then when, did I not?" "Yes Sir, you did." "Then what are you waiting for?"
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

A Meeting With The Pope

	Suddenly Pope Benedict pushed a button on the side of his chair, and two Swiss guards brusquely removed me from the meeting. My sincere protests were ignored. My recommendation for you? Never ask the Pontiff which side he dresses on.
	- Mrs. Mildred Burke

Christian Retribution Devices

Introducing the cruciTASER for the up and coming fundamentalist enforcer on your shopping list!! Yes, now you can pray AND punish at the same time with the cruciTASER XL400.

Delivering a whopping 50,000 volts of divine retribution to the targeted sinner, the cruciTASER XL400 is the latest addition to your Holy Arsenal.


The cruciTASER XL400 is a "self-defense" Christian retribution device. Christian Retribution Devices (CRDs) use propelled wires or direct contact to electrocute sinners.

The cruciTASER XL400 uses a compressed nitrogen cartridge, to fire two probes that are attached to the unit by insulated conductive wires with a maximum length of 15 feet. The cruciTASER XL400 transmits electrical pulses along the wires into the body of the sinner causing extreme pain and suffering, and affecting the sensory and motor functions of the peripheral nervous system. This Divine Fire Of God can penetrate up to two cumulative inches of clothing and is now available in four designer colors: punishing pink, brimstone blue, retribution red and Godly gray.

The cruciTASER XL400 can punish a sinner from up to 15 feet away, allowing you to protect yourself and your family from a safe distance. You can also use the cruciTASER XL400 as a contact stun device to repel atheists - a powerful backup capability when heart-rending prayer doesn't work.

This field proven technology provides a unique, randomly lethal means, that can truly stop a sinner, even those possessed by Satan via drugs and alcohol.

So, when a sinner comes near you - cruciFRY them with your cruciTASER XL400.

A New Kind Of Church

Wouldn't it be interesting if there was an honest church?

A church that embraced their hypocrisy? A church that publicly admitted that getting a parking spot was more important to them than helping a homeless person?

A church that admitted they were quite happy with sponsoring ethnic cleansing?

I think such a church would get a big following.

Think of the cash flow!

Where Were You When

	If Jesus comes back, he will have to spend a significant amount of time answering all those questions that begin with 'Where were you when...'. Or, he could hire a PR firm.
	- Rev. Harold Fowler Tinty

Why Fundamentalists Are Fanatics

	Fanaticism is driven by doubt.   If your average, garden variety fundamentalist knew his beliefs were true, he wouldn't be a fundamentalist anymore. His doubt means his faith needs constant maintenance. So he allows a sentry to be stationed at the gateway to his mind, to prevent an enemy thought from sneaking in. These sentries are called Clergy.
	- Kyle Y. Tyler

Where is God?

	God is incarcerated in a leather bound, gold-edged prison.
	- Rev. H. Lucas Thinn (Ret.)

Anger Management

	If the solution is to attack someone personally - to smear them - then, the problem is that you have a great deal to lose when they speak.
	- Mildred Pew

Robot Evangelist Set To Land Tomorrow in Iran

	(MSM) -- In a new and sophisticated measure designed to save souls, the National Evangelism and Salvation Administration (NESA) hopes its robotic mission to Iran succeeds when it lands Sunday near the Earth's Islamic pole to conduct a 90-day preaching mission. The two-legged lander, called Deep Preach, is fitted with a baptizing arm and giant titanium megaphone. It is zeroing in on an unwitnessed desert region where a reservoir of evangelical sympathy is believed to lie beneath the Islamic surface. Before this robotic evangelist can begin its mission, it must first survive Sunday's fiery descent through the Iranian atmosphere. Deep Preach will approach speeds of more than 17,000 mph in the landing phase. During those nine minutes, it will use the atmosphere's friction and a parachute to slow to 5 mph. Seconds before touchdown, Deep Preach will fire its thrusters for what evangelists hope will be a soft landing at 7:53 p.m. EDT.  Rev. Stance MacAllister, program manager at NESA told Matt Mental "We're all very excited to have this opportunity, but the entry phase will be nine minutes of sheer terror."  Launched last summer from Cape Canaveral, Fla., Deep Preach has traveled 42 million miles for Sunday's touchdown using multiple lunar gravitational assists.  The spacecraft's main tool is an 80 foot titanium megaphone capable of preaching volumes of up to 2,000 decibels. Once Muslims are encountered, the lander will use a powerful laser to assist them in converting, then, it will deploy the baptizing arm. "It'll be a helluva task," said mission co-leader Tommy Joe Scuds of the University of True Education in St. Louis. He predicts the conversions will be "as tough as nails."  The converted Iranians will then be brought aboard Deep Preach's apologetics lab. They will be remotely interrogated in miniature prayer rooms, and their responses analyzed for sin, the building block of evil. Deep Preach will then communicate the results to Missionary Control via a prayer link.   The last time NESA did tests for sin, it was on a hunt for Satan in 1976 with portable evil detectors onboard the twin Viking spacecraft. No conclusive signs of Ol' Slewfoot were found.  Once on the surface, the 800-ton Deep Preach will wait 15 minutes for the dust to settle before engaging its nuclear reactor. Then, it will beam back the first images of its surroundings. Over the next several days, it will check its instruments, and stretch its baptizing arm to scoop up the first Islamic sample.  By around day 5, Deep Preach will dive into the evangelizing phase that is expected to dominate the rest of the mission, preaching about twenty-three hours a day.  While NESA evangelists say there's a chance Deep Preach could live a month or so beyond its 90-day mission, its nuclear reactor won't produce enough power to keep it alive during the Iranian winter, which is very dark and nasty.

Satan Traced to Jovian Moon

	Yesterday, creationists at the First Baptist Armageddon Laboratory speculated to Matt Mental that the shifting of poles on one of Jupiter's moons strongly suggest the presence of Satan. The discovery of "wandering poles" on Europa provides further evidence of a deep reservoir of sin beneath the moon's icy crust. Many creationists believe the hidden ocean of sin, warmed by tidal forces from Hell, may provide a suitable habitat for Satan. Europa, which is only slightly smaller than the Earth's moon, has a number of unexplained surface features pointing to a turbulent moral history. One example, is two groups of broad troughs and depressions at diametrically opposite locations on Europa's surface. Verified by images from three spacecraft, Voyager, Galileo and New Horizons, these features are shown extending more than 500 kilometers. Creationists writing in the First Baptist Armageddon Laboratory's journal 'The End' said these were exactly the type of graffiti-like patterns that would be expected to result from the sinful activities of Satan’s minions.