Saving Soles

Today the Bush White House unveiled a new rule requiring all staff and visitors to wear soft, fluffy slippers while on the premises.

The slippers are made of rehabilitating lambs wool, used in physiotherapy and natural suede. The wool is soft and cozy. The soles are made of one layer of wool, one thick layer of foam and a layer of natural leather. They are also recommended for people suffering from delusions.

When asked why he had imposed the new regulation, President Bush, speaking from behind a portable Plexiglas shield and wearing a helmet, said "I'm the only one allowed to wear shoes here now 'cause I won't get fooled again."

Observational Interruptus

God intervenes just as Howard is about to discover the truth.

Obama Is Coming In

Fourth and eight trillion, and Obama is coming in to attempt a 265,000 mile field goal.

Are We There Yet?

Is this the economy?

The Bush Doctrine

	"Ah Jentili, it says on the news that a convenience store operator shot and killed a customer last night." "What for Sir?" "He said that two men came in late last night. He was suspicious of one of them, so he shot him as a preemptive strike. The other customer ran out and got the police." "Was the clerk arrested Sir?" "Yes Jentili. He said that he may have been wrong about the intentions of the customer he shot, but he was right to kill him." "Ludicrous Sir!" "Oh I don't think so Jentili..." "How can you defend cold blooded murder, Sir." "The Bush Doctrine, Jentili." "Sir, may I ask, are you ever suspicious of me?" "Of course not Jentili, I'm registered as independent."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Exception To The Rule

	Logically, a solution cannot be the same as the problem. Unless you can train your cat to take out the garbage. That's the only exception I know.
	- Prof. T. Henry Carver

None Of The Above

	"Will you be voting this time Sir?" "No Jentili. However, I am almost finished your sandwich sign." "Sir?" "Your sandwich sign. The one that you will be wearing during our non-of-the-above initiative." "I didn't know that Sir." "Didn't know what Jentili?" "That my duties included public protest in such an obvious way." "This is not public protest Jentili. It is public education." "What are we trying to teach them Sir?" "That voting only works when you can vote against someone directly, Jentili." "Why don't they just vote for the other party Sir?" "Because Jentili, they don't want them either."
	- excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Preemptive Strike

	"Jentili, has the mail arrived yet?" "No Sir." "Thank goodness!" "You seem relieved Sir." "Not really Jentili. We have avoided delivery, but we have not prevented it. The only answer, as I see it, is a preemptive strike." "On the postman Sir?" "Of course not Jentili, that would be wrong. I propose we hide mail distribution boxes in the neighborhood after they have been filled, that way the postman will not be able to reload, so to speak. "Sir, what about the letters in the distribution boxes?" "Simple Jentili, you will anonymously ship them to the post office; after all, they should get some mail instead of constantly delivering it." "Sir isn't this illegal?"  "Ridiculous Jentili. We are simply moving the distribution boxes to a safe area - like responsible citizens. Furthermore, we are returning the undelivered mail to the post office. We should get a reward." "Yes you should Sir."
	-excerpt from one of Matt's conversations

Usain Bolt's Speed Explained

Bolt outruns a large carnivore that had consumed all but three runners in the 100 meter final.  Fortunately, there were enough medals to go around.

Again I Say: "Do You Think Anyone Will Notice?"

Howard was told to put more space between his posts.

Finding Iraq On A Map

	It has been said that war is God's way of teaching Americans geography. Five years after the invasion of Iraq, only one in three Americans can identify it on a map.  It worries me that God can't teach.
	- Dr. E. Preston Draught

Rare Bust Of Julius Caesar's Older Brother Found

Professor Eric Fint of the University of Education has discovered the first known life-sized bust of Timidites Caesar, elder brother of the Emperor Julius Caesar.

It shows the Emperor's brother just after waking up.

Professor Fint, who spoke to Matt Mental from rehab, said: "I just knew it was Timidites! Who else would have such a majestic look?"

Why Fundamentalists Are Fanatics

	Fanaticism is driven by doubt.   If your average, garden variety fundamentalist knew his beliefs were true, he wouldn't be a fundamentalist anymore. His doubt means his faith needs constant maintenance. So he allows a sentry to be stationed at the gateway to his mind, to prevent an enemy thought from sneaking in. These sentries are called Clergy.
	- Kyle Y. Tyler

Problems Praying

	I tried praying about it, but received no answer. Then I realized that Jesus was currently pinned down in Iraq and Afghanistan with His armies.
	- E. Paul Anderthorn

Let's all learn about: Pain

His eyes were remarkable in that they could project such piercing malevolence, that his glare engendered actual physical pain. I distinctly recall searing agony in my toe as I berated him for his behavior.

-- J. Norman Whithorne