US Saves UK from Dalek Invasion

Dead Dalek

The US has removed its nuclear weapons from Britain, after over half a century of successful deployment.

Based upon a study by the Federation of American Scientists, the last 110 American nuclear weapons in the UK were removed from RAF Lakenheath in Suffolk on orders given by President George Bush.

According to an acquaintance of former Prime Minister Blair: "We're certain that the presence of the weapons stopped an immanent Dalek invasion. Thanks to that arsenal, Britain is Dalek-free today. I think I speak for all of we British, that, in the end, the neck of the Dalek tyranny, has been broken, as it were, a chicken."

The Mystery Of Retroactive Immunity

	Is there a significant difference between retroactive immunity for the telcos that aided spying on the American people for the purposes of 'National Security' and the selling of indulgences by the Catholic church in the middle ages? Why do I keep thinking that retroactive immunity for corporate criminals, and retroactive immunity for spiritual criminals as defined by the church, are two sides of the same coin? Different salesmen, same product I suspect.
	- Mildred Pew

Where Was Jesus Kidding?

	So Jesus was a man right?  A fully functioning, normal man.  He laughed, cried, had friends?  That means he spoke in a regular way and therefore used irony, humor and sarcasm. So, open the Bible then, and tell me where he was kidding.
	- Rev. H. Lucas Thinn (Ret.)

Rare Bust Of Julius Caesar's Older Brother Found

Professor Eric Fint of the University of Education has discovered the first known life-sized bust of Timidites Caesar, elder brother of the Emperor Julius Caesar.

It shows the Emperor's brother just after waking up.

Professor Fint, who spoke to Matt Mental from rehab, said: "I just knew it was Timidites! Who else would have such a majestic look?"

Class Assignment

	Prove, using only original source documents, that the Bible is not a collection of lentil soup recipes.
	- Rev. H. Lucas Thinn (Ret.)

Experts Demand Emergency Action On Second Hand Cellular Phone Radiation

There is a growing body of evidence that using cellular phones increases your risk of brain cancer. Exposing your head to cellular phone radiation is dangerous to you. However, the danger does not stop there. There is a new threat just now being understood: second hand microwave radiation. Earlier this year, the French and German governments warned against the use of cellular phones, especially by younger people, and called for steps to be taken to reduce radiation emanating from the handsets. Unfortunately, they did not address the danger of second hand radiation blasting through the heads of cellular phone users and endangering non cellular users in close proximity. As the accumulative effects of direct cellular radiation take their lethal measure of users, experts are now expressing concern about the massive second hand effects caused by more than three billion users worldwide. This gathering storm is the equivalent of a dirty bomb going off in a major city -- just slower. Non cellular users now face a virtual shooting gallery of cancer causing radiation whenever they go outside. In order to protect public safety, experts working for the government (who requested anonymity), told Matt Mental that the following urgent measures must be taken: 1)  Immediate establishment of cellular radiation free zones in bars, theaters, restaurants, barber shops, salons, art galleries, museums, hospitals, banks, grocery and department stores, malls, all retail outlets, all government and business offices, military bases, ships at sea, airplanes, work sites and mines.  2)  An aggressive tax on cell phone purchases of both hardware and time, to pay for the medical treatment of users and the victims of second hand cell phone radiation. 3)  Mandatory use of head faraday cages for all cellular users
and full body faraday cages for safe keeping during non transmission periods.
4)  Mandatory radioactive arm band symbols to be publicly displayed at all times by cell carriers. It is hoped that these initial measures will help to avert a catastrophe. More information ios at this link.

The Problem With Democracy

	If the hallmark of democracy is informed consent, then how do you achieve that in a state immersed in government secrecy? On the other hand, how do you inform a moron?
	- Mrs. Mildred Burke

Committee Rejects Anonymous Sources

	The Committee informed me that my testimony would not be considered acceptable if I attributed any information to unnamed officials or anonymous sources.  I protested saying: "This is America! What other sources of information do I have?" The Chairman then warned me of possible contempt charges should I continue my outburst.  It was then that I removed the foam mallet from its hidden compartment.
	- D. Dub (Crako) Dubbin

Internet Damaged Brain Syndrome

	The technology we use to access the internet, changes us through its use. The internet effect: the devices or technology we use to access the internet turns us into quasi-copies of those same devices.   I notice it. My intellectual depth of field has been reduced. It is time related. I don't want to spend the time to read an entire article. I scan for important things - things that strike my fancy or appeal to my sense of quality at the moment. I am being led to evaluate articles on the basis of length or quantity instead of quality. I do no study. If deep thinking or study is equal to deep reading, then my internet activities are reducing my mental capacity for intelligence. The more time I spend on the internet, the more shallow I become. I'm in up to my ankles about now.
	- Nigel Thint

Freedom of Thought

	The things that you are not allowed to question, sometimes hold the truth you seek. Other times, they hold the truth you don't seek. On rare occasions, they hold your pants up.
	- T. Herman Flunt

Memories of Sherlock Holmes

	How Sherlock knew what was impossible, is impossible to say.
	- Prof. T. Henry Carver

Astronomers Confirm Possible Detection Of Nonluminous Superdark Space Pit

Credit: Falwell Memorial Observatory/First Baptist Armageddon Laboratory/University of Education/G. Tomasini et al.

The first discovery of a nonluminous superdark space pit inside a globular star cluster by a team from the First Baptist Armageddon Laboratory using the Falwell Memorial Observatory has amazed and frightened astronomers. 

Team leader Dr. Georgette (Mummy) Tomasini of the University of Education said "We were trying to search all known globular clusters with the objective of finding just one nonluminous superdark space pit," but success came with just the second cluster examined: NGC 4472, which is about fifty million light-years away in the Virgo Cluster. Dr. Tomasini explained to Matt Mental: "Since these space pits cannot be seen, their existence must be inferred by looking for very dark spots. We found one. It's really dark."

Scientists had doubted that nonluminous superdark space pits could exist in globular clusters since they are so densely populated with stars.

One explanation is that the apparent darkness of the space pit is not due to its size, but is a result of the stellar radiation being deflected in our direction by surrounding plasma. "Darkness is produced when plasma falls into a nonluminous superdark space pit." said Prof. Billy-Ray Dewdew of the Institute of Research, a co-author of the report. 

Why Fundamentalists Are Fanatics

	Fanaticism is driven by doubt.   If your average, garden variety fundamentalist knew his beliefs were true, he wouldn't be a fundamentalist anymore. His doubt means his faith needs constant maintenance. So he allows a sentry to be stationed at the gateway to his mind, to prevent an enemy thought from sneaking in. These sentries are called Clergy.
	- Kyle Y. Tyler

What's On The Table?

	Military options are always "on the table". I think that table should be burnt. Then they could put them in the fridge.
	- G. Winthorp Klipington

Chronological Order

	Many things are like water -- they find their own level over time.   What are those things? Well, eggs for one...
	- Arthur Manse

Biblical Scholar Proves That Jesus Stood To Urinate

Here is a video of a manly man's man, bursting with biblical levels of testosterone.

Strangely, he has no beard.

However, from this we know that Jesus stood to urinate. The overarching importance of this cannot be "misunderestimated".

I think all manly men should join me in standing to urinate, during a National Piss Off as soon as I organize it.

Scientists Capture First Image Of The Blogosphere

Scientists working at the Institute of Research have captured the first raw image of the blogosphere, a bit of the internet.

Project leader Dr. Paulo S. Lackadaisicali, told Matt Mental: "I thought it looked like an egg, but then I changed my mind."

Latest Non Farm Payroll Report

	I spoke to the President about the current situation involving the Non Farm Payroll Report. I pointed out that the data were not reflective of the status of the national workforce, and that the politically motivated process of 'grandfathering', induced layers of distortion into the results. I asked him directly what he thought of the present conditions.   He replied with steely confidence, saying "I can count to five!" It was then that I removed the foam mallet from its hidden compartment.
	- Dr. Laslow F. Zetz

Culture Statement

	You can't really see your cultural architecture from the inside. To know what you are in - you have to leave it. This also applies to clothing.
	- D. Paul Delaniquist

A Reasoned Response To Wild Speculation

	The reflexive dismissal of evidence that supports alternative ideas - by declaring it to be hoaxed - irritates me.  I reject, out of hand, any suggestion that this academic malpractice is not a conspiracy deliberately perpetrated by Nudist Vegan Zionist Bankers.
	- Dr. Davenport Milesington

Police Prejudice Against Scientists

	I informed the officer that discharging his taser would, in fact, harm him - as I was wearing an invisible sheath of stealth armor that reflected the taser charge back at the assailant. I further assured him, that my Nobel prize for the discovery would be awarded to me shortly at a special ceremony in Sweden. It was then that I felt the bullet enter my leg.
	- Harv Smythe

Where is God?

	God is incarcerated in a leather bound, gold-edged prison.
	- Rev. H. Lucas Thinn (Ret.)

California Chardonnay Terroirism

	Matt Mental: We are speaking with Riddell Nuance, our wine correspondent. Tell us Riddell, what is your latest discovery? Riddell Nuance: He was appallingly rough with me, and I didn't like the restraints at all. MM: Your latest WINE discovery... RN: A new California Chardonnay that annihilated my prejudices. MM: How so? RN: My former opinion, that California Chardonnays are rather obese and stupid.... MM: You mean the FUNDAMENTALISTS of wine... RN: Please. So, I tried one from the Pits de Feugh Vineyard. It was a delight of sensual architecture, with a nonlinear sense of balance and a vivacious hint of mischief. MM: It sounds like you have found a new special friend. RN: Indeed. One that utterly worships the idea of terroir. MM: Terroir? RN: A "terroir" is a group of vineyards of similar nature and wine making intent or flair, which contribute to give a unique personality to the wine.  MM: Terroirism then. RN: You're evil. MM: What if some disease or BLIGHT infected the grapes and they went bad? Just the thought of this invokes a visceral experience of a profound, overwhelming NEED to vomit.   RN: Well, I suppose you would get a lower quality vintage. MM: You mean the wine would be BAD?  Even during my struggle with alcohol, bad wine caused me to make many bountiful offerings of my stomach in crazed, monumental, wet, tidal heaves.  RN: Well, not to put too fine a point on it - yes it would be bad. MM: Then what would that be called? RN: Merlot. MM: That would explain a great deal.

Fashion Statement

	Stop twisting and contorting yourself with every passing fad.  Take a stand.  Be something other than a miserable, pathetic, coward.
	- W. D. Fortay

Global War On Lunch

	If Bin Laden and Ahmadinijhad were both in a restaurant, and Bin Laden said "pass the salt", the Americans would claim they were in secret talks.
	- Maury Blingberg

Protest Statement

	Virtual protests have no effect on the real world. Typing is not the functional equivalent of marching. Unless you have little, tiny finger shoes.
	- W. D. Fortay